Do you want to damage your children post separation?

It’s a stupid question isn’t it. Of course you don’t! Unfortunately, however, where there is extreme bitterness between you and the other parent of your children, you may both be harming the kids unwittingly.

There are many reasons why separation and divorce can be so difficult for kids and tricky for even the most switched on and sensitive parents - and you are sure to be one of these. We will deal with some these reasons in more depth another time.

For the moment let’s just say that it is difficult to remain positive and child focused when you have just separated, when your ex is behaving badly or when you are dealing with multiple other stress factors at the same time as your separation.

One of the few incontrovertible truths that we KNOW about the effect of separation and divorce on kids is that they cope least well with all the necessary change if they are also aware of a high level of conflict between their parents.

My top three tips to protect the kids as well as you are: -

1. Get some professional support early on - before things get too tough or out of hand - from a psychologist or social worker familiar with the issues faced by adults and children when parents separate. Don't be afraid to look at ways you can change your behaviour to assist the children. For instance, if you are the one who feels you were "left" then crying non-stop and causing the children to feel responsible for your happiness is going to make their already huge task of adjusting to the changes in their lives even more difficult. You need to seek help to deal with your grief yourself and to find a way to "move on".
2. If things are really tough between you and your ex then try communicating only in writing and also aim to ensure that the children are not around when the two of you are in the same place at the same time or communicating with each other.  Try having all the changeovers of care at school, daycare or another neutral environment. This is called Parallel Parenting and can be a good way of getting through the early stages of separation or even longer terms if the communicant difficulties between parents do not settle down over time.
3. When dealing with parenting issues in writing, if your ex is unreasonable, dominating, abusive or demanding, follow the wonderfully effective BIFF* approach. That is, make all written communication by email, text or letter: -

• Brief;
• Informative;
• Friendly; and
• Firm 

This technique will allow you to regain some sense of control in an otherwise toxic situation and should assist in shutting down abusive correspondence.

Finally, always remember to write as if your correspondence is going to be read by a Judge deciding the future of your children - even if you have no intentions of going anywhere near a courtroom (which you will hopefully be able to avoid). This is a really good trick for making sure that your emotions take second place to the needs to the children.

Denise Britton - Peace Talks

*BIFF: Quick response to High Conflict People, Their hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns, Second edition, by William A Eddy, LCSW, Esq.; 2011, 2104