Colour-me-calm

What does colouring in have to do with reducing stress? And how exactly could it help you?

They key to all of this is that colouring in is an activity which focuses the mind and the hands at the same time. Active meditation focus on simple, repetitive-motion tasks, and colouring in has the same meditative effects.

Concentrating on colouring in a picture or image:-

• focuses your mind on the present
• replaces negative thoughts
• blocks out intrusive thoughts
• creates a state of peace
• helps you find an inner calm

Colouring in not for you? How about one of the new crazes like dot-to-dot for adults, or  paint by numbers?

Still not convinced? We challenge you to try 10 minutes of colouring in for the rest of this week. Before you know it, you'll have switched off and done 30.

What is Mindfulness?

We all hear so much these days about "mindfulness" and how it can reduce stress, enhance emotional intelligence and handle painful thoughts and feelings. But do you REALLY know what it is?

Put simply, mindfulness is a form of self-awareness training adapted from Buddhist Mindfulness Meditation. Some call it "the art of conscious living".

We like this definition from Jon Rabat-Zinn, leading authority on mindfulness:-

"Paying attention, in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, and non judgementally."

Why not take 2 minutes this morning to think about that definition and how you might be able to apply mindfulness techniques in your professional environment? And look out for more hints and tips  later this week.

"Divorce" on Showcase - Must see TV

Aside from an opening joke a about too few bathrooms, a coffee canister and a garage, one of the most memorable parts of “Divorce”, the new comedy series from HBO starring @SJP which aired last night on Showcase in Australia, were the comments of the husband who has just found out his wife has been cheating.

Robert calmly tells his wife "You know that divorce you wanted? I want one too. But that sneaky, easy, friendly way that you were hoping for - you can forget it. Because I'm going to make you miserable, and more to the point, I'm going to make your children hate you."

@samwollaston called it “a truthful depiction of midlife discontent”, which we think sums up nicely a pilot episode which included a woman trying to shoot her husband on her 50^th birthday. It will be interesting to see what else writer Sharon Horgan has in store for these forty and fifty-something characters as the series unfolds. It’s sure to be dark, funny and likely to touch a nerve or two. All the hallmarks of well written comedy drama.

Book Review : "My Mother's House" by David Armand

Queensland Mental Health Week 2016 is all about raising awareness, and there's no better way to raise awareness than by sharing your own story. Which is precisely what author David Armand does in "My Mother's House".

The book follows Armand's life story in Louisiana, where his mother's mental illness lead to him being adopted by his Aunt and Uncle. No happy ending for the young David here though, as his Uncle turned out to be a bully of the worst kind, who commanded his household with fear, threats, and terrible punishments (alongside a worsening alchohol problem). Meanwhile, his mother (unknown to Armand at the time) had entered into an abusive relationship with a man who kept her locked up for days on end, and subjected her to a pattern of abuse over a period of many years. Armand would later discover his Aunt had been complicit in this abuse.

Difficult to read at times, particularly as you are so aware of the fact that this isn't just fiction: Armand is narrating things that actually happened to him (his Uncle sawing a plaster-cast off his arm and cutting him in the process is horrific). However, what really comes across in the book is Armand's resilience, and the impact each of these individuals had on his life. This book really gets to the core of how mental illness affects the people who have to be around, live with, or suffer at the hands of those who are suffering from a mental illness.

"My Mother's House" is available from amazon.com.

Death of Rebecca Wilson

It was sad this morning to hear of the death of renowned sports journalist Rebecca Wilson at the young age of 54 after a battle with breast cancer.

Rebecca was a robust and fearless journalist with a deep knowledge of sport. She was always prepared to express her opinion, often in a very out- there manner and to rail against anything she saw as an injustice in sport. I always enjoyed reading Rebecca's commentaries or listening to her on Sky where she often appeared.

Rebecca was also a trailblazer for women in her field of sports journalism. She will be sadly missed.

Re-definition of the nature of barristers' work and implications for the profession.

An interesting re-definition of barristers' work by the NSW Bar Association. Seems to be a welcome and well overdue recognition of the importance of mediation and other forms of ADR in the everyday work of barristers and the resolution of disputes.

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/business/opinion/chris-merritt-prejudice/bar-associations-mediator-stand-draws-sharp-rebuke-from-silks/news-story/8663ce32625e7042bef293500cc06c61

"I'm leaving you....." : What to do when you've had second thoughts.

So you've realised you're in a toxic relationship (Not all abuse is physical: 10 signs you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship); you've taken advice about the practical and emotional steps you need to take to prepare for leaving ("I'm leaving you....." Practical advice for getting out of a toxic relationship and "I'm leaving you...." How to survive the emotional rollercoaster of ending a relationship) but now the whole thing just seems really complicated and you're having second thoughts........

Things just got scary, right? No matter how well you know in your heart of hearts that this relationship is toxic and you need to get out, in the cold light of day, it's easy to be overwhelmed by the momentous decision you have taken or are about to take; get cold feet; and do a u-turn.

Yes it's damn scary and you shouldn't berate yourself for not being able to go ahead with it, or having second thoughts. You've just hopped on board the emotional rollercoaster remember, and sometimes you'll be thinking about the good times as well as the bad.

Acknowledge that not all parts of your relationship were toxic, and allow yourself to celebrate the parts that were good. Writing down the good and the and bits is a good way of focusing your attention when you start to feel you've been too hasty and maybe you should stay after all?

Note to self though - was your decision to stay triggered by your partner doing something nice, or demonstrating his or her best qualities? They've been controlling you for years remember, know how to manipulate your feelings. 

And remember that just because you didn't manage to follow through on your original decision to leave doesn't mean you have to stay forever. Get that list out and be realistic about whether you should really stay. Ask yourself if this is really where you want to be in 5, 10, or 25 years?

"I'm leaving you...." How to survive the emotional rollercoaster of ending a relationship

This week, we've been focusing on controlling partner and toxic relationships, and we've spent a lot of time telling you about the signs you need to look out for in your own relationship.

Yesterday, we discussed the practical steps you need to consider prior to ending a toxic relationship with a controlling partner (safety - support - setting goals) and today, we're going to concentrate on the emotionally aspects of getting through a break up.

Leaving is not a single event - it's a continuing and evolving process. Here's how to survive the emotional rollercoaster..............

See yourself

During emotionally stressful times like this it is easy to forget about looking after yourself properly. You're going to need to be physically as well as emotionally strong to get through this, so try and remember to eat well, get some rest (and maybe a little exercise) and look after yourself. 

Take some time out

Meditation can be great for getting centred (yes its 100% the last-thing-in-the-world you are going to feel like doing, but trust us. It will really help). Never tried meditation before? Check out our Brisbane Mediations Guide to Meditation.

Support

If you read our "Practical Advice for leaving" blog yesterday, you'll be thinking we're repeating ourselves, but support is going to be a recurring theme throughout your break-up. 

You've probably forgotten who the people are you can rely on.And maybe you feel a little weird about asking anyone for help, hey you are probably thinking you don't want to discuss the nitty gritty of your relationship with other people yet as you need to get your own head around it first. 

Getting support from others doesn't necessarily have to mean sharing your whole story with them if you don't want to. Think about support for the little things causing you stress. Could your Dad pick the kids up after school? Or could your friend take your son to soccer practice? Don't try and go it alone, even with the every day tasks.

We know it's not easy, and if things are really getting on top of you, seek professional help from your GP, a therapist or counsellor.

"I'm leaving you....." Practical advice for getting out of a toxic relationship

It's a sad fact of the modern world that despite advances in mobility, equality and self-awareness, too many people are stuck in toxic relationships. And part of the reason for this, is that once you are in a controlling relationship, it's very difficult to know how to get out of it.

The most important thing you need to take on board if you are considering leaving is that leaving is a continuing and evolving process, involving many stage, NOT a single event. You need to have made some preparations before saying those words "I'm leaving you..."

Here are some practical points to consider if you know you're stuck but don't know what to do next:-

Safety

Assess your level of safety. Does your partner's controlling behaviour involve physical violence or aggression directed towards you? Even if violence has not been a problem in the past, feelings of anger and grief which can arise over a break up can trigger violence. Consider whether you need a support person with you, consider whether you are comfortable staying around once you have told your partner the relationship is over. And do all of this with your own personal safety forefront in your mind.

Support

It's likely your partner's controlling behaviour has resulted in your support networks being dwindles. You need to re-establish there so you have someone to talk to and people who will have your back if things get nasty. Do you have family and friends you can rely on? Do you neeed professonal support from a psychologist or therapist? Perhaps a meeting with a mediator to arrange mediation taunt in place parenting arrangements with your soon to be ex partner would be helpful. Think about what you are going to need, and take the first steps to get these support networks in place.

Set your path

Think about your short, medium and long term goals. Not easy when you have or are just bout to turn your life upside down, but this needs to be done and planning it out, either in your head, or getting it down on paper can help you to focus. For example, where are you going to live? If you have kids, what arrangements are you going to make for them? Are you planning to stay in the home and ask your partner to leave? Set your goals and start making plans, and remember to seek professional help if things get sticky. You can't do this alone.

So these are the practical steps you need to be thinking about if you are considering leaving. Tomorrow we'll focus on the emotional side of getting through this difficult period. We're not saying it's going to be easy, but with the right advice and the right support, you can do it.

Controlling Partners

What comes to mind when you hear the phrase "controlling partner"? Most of us will think of someone physically aggressive, who tells their partner what to wear, who to socialise with and how to act. And yes, these are the visible and troubling signs of a controlling partner - the ones which other people can see and hear.

What is more worrying, is the type of controlling partner who's manipulation is so complex, even the victim doesn't know it's happening?

Controlling behaviour, whether or not it leads to more serious forms of abuse, emotional or physical, is not healthy for anyone. If you recognise any of the following signs in your partner, take note.

Signs your partner may be controlling you:-

You have been isolated from your friends and family - controlling partners want to strip you of your support network, so you rely on them more and spend more time with them. This can start out as complaining about the number of times per week you visit your sister, or speak to your Mum on the phone.

Constant criticism - a continual pattern of criticism about your appearance, or how you speak can be belittling and makes you feel less important in the relationship. Take a step back - is it really healthy for your partner to think so many things about you need to be improved?

Conditional Love - the message behind any conditional love is clear - you are not good enough. Phrases like "I would find you more attractive if you lost some weight" send a clear signal that you don't come up to scratch.

Ridicule disguised as teasing - Your partner says something which really upsets you, but when you confront them about it, their response is "Oh I was only joking" or "Stop taking things the wrong way". This is an example of them making sure you believe that your feelings are silly or unimportant.

Unwillingness to hear your point of view - ever - Think about those times you've tried to raise an issue with your partner, or tell them how their behaviour makes you feel? Get anywhere with that? No - because they've dismissed your feelings out of hand as not worth listening to.

So you've read our list, you've realised that yes, you are in a controlling relationship. What next?

First, give yourself a pat on the back. You've just crossed the first hurdle, and that's awareness. You are now aware that this is happening to you. Take some time to absorb this before considering what to do next. And look out for further advice on this topic in our "Toxic Relationships" series running all of this week.

Not all abuse is physical: 10 signs you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship

Nothing is more damaging to your confidence or self esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Emotional abuse can be subtle - sometimes so subtle, and so manipulative, you don't even know it's happening to you. It is easy to become to accustomed to a pattern of mistreatment, that you find ways of coping with it, and this can mean you are in denial about the fact that it is happening to you at all.

Verbal abuse, threatening behaviour, constant criticism, intimidation, shaming - any of these sound familiar to you?

Take a moment to think about you and your partner - here are 10 signs you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship:-

1. Your partner puts you down or humiliates you in front of other people;
2. Your partner accuses you of being "too sensitive";
3. Your partner corrects you all the time and treats you like a child;
4. Your partner does not show you any empathy or compassion;
5. Your partner does not notice or does not care about your feelings;
6. Your partner calls you names;
7. Your partner regularly points out your flaws and shortcomings;
8. Your partner makes you feel like they are always right and you are always wrong;
9. Your partner neglects you and makes you feel unwanted;
10. Your partner denies his or her controlling behaviour when confronted.

All relationships are different, and dynamics can vary from couple to couple, but don't make the mistake of reassuring yourself that any of the above behaviour is "normal". If any of the ten things in the list above are happening to you on a regular basis, then you are in a toxic relationship which may be damaging your health and wellbeing. Consider discussing these issues with your partner, or confiding in a close friend or family member. And look out for advice on dealing with toxic relationships in our series running all of this week.