Controlling Partners

What comes to mind when you hear the phrase "controlling partner"? Most of us will think of someone physically aggressive, who tells their partner what to wear, who to socialise with and how to act. And yes, these are the visible and troubling signs of a controlling partner - the ones which other people can see and hear.

What is more worrying, is the type of controlling partner who's manipulation is so complex, even the victim doesn't know it's happening?

Controlling behaviour, whether or not it leads to more serious forms of abuse, emotional or physical, is not healthy for anyone. If you recognise any of the following signs in your partner, take note.

Signs your partner may be controlling you:-

You have been isolated from your friends and family - controlling partners want to strip you of your support network, so you rely on them more and spend more time with them. This can start out as complaining about the number of times per week you visit your sister, or speak to your Mum on the phone.

Constant criticism - a continual pattern of criticism about your appearance, or how you speak can be belittling and makes you feel less important in the relationship. Take a step back - is it really healthy for your partner to think so many things about you need to be improved?

Conditional Love - the message behind any conditional love is clear - you are not good enough. Phrases like "I would find you more attractive if you lost some weight" send a clear signal that you don't come up to scratch.

Ridicule disguised as teasing - Your partner says something which really upsets you, but when you confront them about it, their response is "Oh I was only joking" or "Stop taking things the wrong way". This is an example of them making sure you believe that your feelings are silly or unimportant.

Unwillingness to hear your point of view - ever - Think about those times you've tried to raise an issue with your partner, or tell them how their behaviour makes you feel? Get anywhere with that? No - because they've dismissed your feelings out of hand as not worth listening to.

So you've read our list, you've realised that yes, you are in a controlling relationship. What next?

First, give yourself a pat on the back. You've just crossed the first hurdle, and that's awareness. You are now aware that this is happening to you. Take some time to absorb this before considering what to do next. And look out for further advice on this topic in our "Toxic Relationships" series running all of this week.