“Meaningful Relationship” between a Parent and a Child at Different Stages of the Child’s Development
From a psychological standpoint, a meaningful relationship between a parent and a child is quite different at different developmental stages in a child’s life, based on varying needs of children as they grow.
For toddlers from one to three years of age, attachment to the primary carer and to other interested persons takes on major significance, especially when considering the viability of contact with non-resident parents. The most important prerequisite for secure attachment is thought to be the sensitive responsiveness of the caregiver to the infant's needs – especially to states such as anxiety, fear, fatigue and illness. Secure attachment leads to a sense of control over the environment, as the infant starts to venture further and further away from attachment figures and to develop a sense of self worth.
In the second and third years of a child's life, all areas of development proceed at an enormous rate – from fine and gross motor skills to social and imaginative play which involves cooperation and the taking on of roles such as leader and follower. Normal three year olds can communicate quite complex ideas in comprehensible sentences and have extensive vocabularies, even tailoring speech to suit their listeners' needs (Schatz and Gelman, 1973). From this capacity to communicate comes early socialization and the ability to form many levels of relationship across all age groups. Associated with the toddler's discovery of a sense of autonomy – a self separate from the primary attachment figure and able to make decisions which do not necessarily correspond with the requirements of the carer - is a period of negativism which is often described as the "terrible twos" or "terrible threes" and is associated with the continual use of the word. "NO". Children at this age need firm and appropriate limits at the same time as they need the sense of security which allows them to test their emerging abilities. Parents and other carers need patience, persistence, and a clear and positive sense of self to handle them appropriately.
A meaningful relationship with a parent at this age requires frequent contact since toddlers lack the ability to hold memories of attachment figures for extended periods of time (Lund, 2005). Provided logistically possible and practicable, a more equitable form of shared care, including overnight stays with the contact parent, can be considered – provided the child is attached to the contact parent and the contact parent has necessary parenting skills. If the toddler has coped with overnight stays with babysitters, sleeps through the night, allows the contact parent to comfort him or her in stressful situations and the contact parent's home is appropriately equipped, this augers well for extension of contact periods. Secure attachment to both the primary and contact carers will predispose to a successful increase in time with the contact parent.
Denise Britton, Psychologist and Mediator
Monday, August 15, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Meaningful Relationship between Parent and Child – Part 2
“Meaningful Relationship” between a Parent and a Child at Different Stages of the Child’s Development
From a psychological standpoint, a meaningful relationship between a parent and a child is quite different at different developmental stages in a child’s life, based on varying needs of children as they grow.
For Infants from four to twelve months of age, the need for sleep declines and the need for socialization and cognitive stimulation gradually increases. At about six to eight months, normal infants discriminate between the people they come into contact with and prefer one or two special people over all others. Even with a maternal primary caregiver, some babies attach to the father or a grandparent or older sibling in preference to the mother. Others do not form single attachments at all and make multiple attachments simultaneously. I like the observations of Schaffer (Schaffer and Emerson, 1964) that:
…being attached to several people does not necessarily imply a shallower feeling towards each one for an infant's capacity for attachment is not like a cake that has to be shared out. Love, even in babies, has no limits (1977, p 108).
I wish parents would remember this when locked in mortal combat over the amount of time they are having with their infant children.
Children of this age typically display (normal) separation anxiety when the distance between them and their mother becomes uncomfortable, the mother providing a secure base from which the infant can explore the immediate environment and the distance travelled in these excursions becoming greater over time. A meaningful relationship for a typical father (as opposed to a father who is the primary carer) at this time will be focused on play and socialisation (whilst they still need to be aware of and responsive to the child’s physical needs). We know there are benefits to children cognitively and emotionally from the greater physical stimulation and louder communication provided by fathers over mothers. The latter tend to be more soothing and calming in their interaction although some experts believe that when a father is the primary caregiver, he is more likely to behave like a mother would be expected to behave - that is, more like a classic nurturer than a fun figure (Field, 1978; Lamb, 1997). Children ideally should have a balance of parenting styles.
Regular overnight stays away from the primary carer are not usually recommended at this stage of development. Common sense tells us that the average infant can cope with occasional sleep-overs without the primary carer, provided familiarity is maintained in their normal routine and they are not left with strangers. It may be that as our thinking advances further, it will be realized that in separated families, both parents can safely spend substantial periods of time with children who are even this young. Cooperation between parents and synchrony in routines will minimize negative impact on the infant. The ideal at this age is generally considered to be one or two hours at a time with the non-resident parent several days a week, so that the infant can learn to trust this parent as well as his or her primary carer (Wallerstein, Lewis and Blakeslee, 2000). Such an arrangement allows for a meaningful relationship with the child for the non-resident parent as well as the resident parent.
Denise Britton, Psychologist and Mediator
From a psychological standpoint, a meaningful relationship between a parent and a child is quite different at different developmental stages in a child’s life, based on varying needs of children as they grow.
For Infants from four to twelve months of age, the need for sleep declines and the need for socialization and cognitive stimulation gradually increases. At about six to eight months, normal infants discriminate between the people they come into contact with and prefer one or two special people over all others. Even with a maternal primary caregiver, some babies attach to the father or a grandparent or older sibling in preference to the mother. Others do not form single attachments at all and make multiple attachments simultaneously. I like the observations of Schaffer (Schaffer and Emerson, 1964) that:
…being attached to several people does not necessarily imply a shallower feeling towards each one for an infant's capacity for attachment is not like a cake that has to be shared out. Love, even in babies, has no limits (1977, p 108).
I wish parents would remember this when locked in mortal combat over the amount of time they are having with their infant children.
Children of this age typically display (normal) separation anxiety when the distance between them and their mother becomes uncomfortable, the mother providing a secure base from which the infant can explore the immediate environment and the distance travelled in these excursions becoming greater over time. A meaningful relationship for a typical father (as opposed to a father who is the primary carer) at this time will be focused on play and socialisation (whilst they still need to be aware of and responsive to the child’s physical needs). We know there are benefits to children cognitively and emotionally from the greater physical stimulation and louder communication provided by fathers over mothers. The latter tend to be more soothing and calming in their interaction although some experts believe that when a father is the primary caregiver, he is more likely to behave like a mother would be expected to behave - that is, more like a classic nurturer than a fun figure (Field, 1978; Lamb, 1997). Children ideally should have a balance of parenting styles.
Regular overnight stays away from the primary carer are not usually recommended at this stage of development. Common sense tells us that the average infant can cope with occasional sleep-overs without the primary carer, provided familiarity is maintained in their normal routine and they are not left with strangers. It may be that as our thinking advances further, it will be realized that in separated families, both parents can safely spend substantial periods of time with children who are even this young. Cooperation between parents and synchrony in routines will minimize negative impact on the infant. The ideal at this age is generally considered to be one or two hours at a time with the non-resident parent several days a week, so that the infant can learn to trust this parent as well as his or her primary carer (Wallerstein, Lewis and Blakeslee, 2000). Such an arrangement allows for a meaningful relationship with the child for the non-resident parent as well as the resident parent.
Denise Britton, Psychologist and Mediator
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Contact between Children and Grandparents
The 2006 reforms to the Family Law Act recognised the right of children to spend time and communicate on a regular basis not only with both their parents but other people significant to their care,welfare and development such as grandparents, except where it would be contrary to the child's best interests to do so.
The changes were introduced in acknowledgement of the important role that grandparents can play in the child's life and to address the scenario where grandparents were often cut out of their grandchildren's lives after the parents of the grandchild separated or divorced.
Grandparents are given specific authority to apply for a parenting order under section 65C of the Family Law Act.
In deciding whether to make a particular parenting order in relation to a child, the court must regard the best interests of the child as the paramount consideration.
In determining what is in the child's best interests the court must, along with other factors, consider the following:
- The likely effect of any changes in the child's circumstances, including the likely effect on the child of any separation from any grandparent with whom they have been living.
-The capacity of any other person, including any grandparent,to provide for the needs of the child including emotional and intellectual needs.
It is not always necessary for grandparents to go to court to secure contact and an ongoing relationship with their grandchildren.
If they are unable to resolve their differences directly with the child's parents,grandparents should first consider mediation as an avenue for resolving the dispute without the cost and stress and inevitable damage to relationships that court proceedings usually entail.
Brisbane Mediations offers parents and grandparents the opportunity to resolve these disputes without the need for court intervention and welcomes all inquiries.
Mike Emerson Co-Principal Brisbane Mediations
The changes were introduced in acknowledgement of the important role that grandparents can play in the child's life and to address the scenario where grandparents were often cut out of their grandchildren's lives after the parents of the grandchild separated or divorced.
Grandparents are given specific authority to apply for a parenting order under section 65C of the Family Law Act.
In deciding whether to make a particular parenting order in relation to a child, the court must regard the best interests of the child as the paramount consideration.
In determining what is in the child's best interests the court must, along with other factors, consider the following:
- The likely effect of any changes in the child's circumstances, including the likely effect on the child of any separation from any grandparent with whom they have been living.
-The capacity of any other person, including any grandparent,to provide for the needs of the child including emotional and intellectual needs.
It is not always necessary for grandparents to go to court to secure contact and an ongoing relationship with their grandchildren.
If they are unable to resolve their differences directly with the child's parents,grandparents should first consider mediation as an avenue for resolving the dispute without the cost and stress and inevitable damage to relationships that court proceedings usually entail.
Brisbane Mediations offers parents and grandparents the opportunity to resolve these disputes without the need for court intervention and welcomes all inquiries.
Mike Emerson Co-Principal Brisbane Mediations
Mediation Masterclass
On the weekend of 6 and 7 August next, I will be attending the Mediation Masterclass short course offered by the Bond University Dispute Resolution Centre.The course should provide a stimulating and enjoyable two days and an excellent opportunity for me to hone my mediation skills in the company of other experienced mediators and well qualified and skilled presenters.I am greatly looking forward to the opportunity to participate.
Mike Emerson- Mediator and Lawyer
Mike Emerson- Mediator and Lawyer
Monday, August 1, 2011
"Meaningful Relationship between Parent and Child"
"Meaningful Relationship" between a Parent and a Child at Different Stages of the Child's Development
From a psychological standpoint, a meaningful relationship between a parent and a child is quite different at different developmental stages in a child’s life, based on varying needs of children as they grow.
For the neonate (from birth to three or four months), a meaningful relationship with a “parent” (and that word is not necessarily attached to biology when used in a psychological sense) is one on which the tiny human depends for his / her very survival. Basic physical needs must be met and the baby learns to trust - a vital requirement for normal human development - based on cries of hunger and discomfort being responded to appropriately. The child needs relationships with adults who are not egocentrically driven and put the child’s needs first. There should be allowance for the neonate to have at least one primary carer and the relationship of the child with secondary attachment figures should not be at the expense of the primary relationship or relationships.
Non-resident parents of neonates need to accept the need for the child in the first instance to spend most of its time sleeping and feeding. Times with the child for this parent in a separated situation should be short and frequent and ideally cause minimal disruption to the routine of the child and the primary attachment figure/s. This has special meaning if the child is breast fed in which case the right of the child to establish a bond with the mother in a peaceful way should be respected.
Denise Britton, Psychologist and Mediator
From a psychological standpoint, a meaningful relationship between a parent and a child is quite different at different developmental stages in a child’s life, based on varying needs of children as they grow.
For the neonate (from birth to three or four months), a meaningful relationship with a “parent” (and that word is not necessarily attached to biology when used in a psychological sense) is one on which the tiny human depends for his / her very survival. Basic physical needs must be met and the baby learns to trust - a vital requirement for normal human development - based on cries of hunger and discomfort being responded to appropriately. The child needs relationships with adults who are not egocentrically driven and put the child’s needs first. There should be allowance for the neonate to have at least one primary carer and the relationship of the child with secondary attachment figures should not be at the expense of the primary relationship or relationships.
Non-resident parents of neonates need to accept the need for the child in the first instance to spend most of its time sleeping and feeding. Times with the child for this parent in a separated situation should be short and frequent and ideally cause minimal disruption to the routine of the child and the primary attachment figure/s. This has special meaning if the child is breast fed in which case the right of the child to establish a bond with the mother in a peaceful way should be respected.
Denise Britton, Psychologist and Mediator
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