Meaningful Relationship between Parent and Child – Part 2

“Meaningful Relationship” between a Parent and a Child at Different Stages of the Child’s Development

From a psychological standpoint, a meaningful relationship between a parent and a child is quite different at different developmental stages in a child’s life, based on varying needs of children as they grow.

For Infants from four to twelve months of age, the need for sleep declines and the need for socialization and cognitive stimulation gradually increases. At about six to eight months, normal infants discriminate between the people they come into contact with and prefer one or two special people over all others. Even with a maternal primary caregiver, some babies attach to the father or a grandparent or older sibling in preference to the mother. Others do not form single attachments at all and make multiple attachments simultaneously. I like the observations of Schaffer (Schaffer and Emerson, 1964) that:
…being attached to several people does not necessarily imply a shallower feeling towards each one for an infant's capacity for attachment is not like a cake that has to be shared out. Love, even in babies, has no limits (1977, p 108).
I wish parents would remember this when locked in mortal combat over the amount of time they are having with their infant children.

Children of this age typically display (normal) separation anxiety when the distance between them and their mother becomes uncomfortable, the mother providing a secure base from which the infant can explore the immediate environment and the distance travelled in these excursions becoming greater over time. A meaningful relationship for a typical father (as opposed to a father who is the primary carer) at this time will be focused on play and socialisation (whilst they still need to be aware of and responsive to the child’s physical needs). We know there are benefits to children cognitively and emotionally from the greater physical stimulation and louder communication provided by fathers over mothers. The latter tend to be more soothing and calming in their interaction although some experts believe that when a father is the primary caregiver, he is more likely to behave like a mother would be expected to behave - that is, more like a classic nurturer than a fun figure (Field, 1978; Lamb, 1997). Children ideally should have a balance of parenting styles.

Regular overnight stays away from the primary carer are not usually recommended at this stage of development. Common sense tells us that the average infant can cope with occasional sleep-overs without the primary carer, provided familiarity is maintained in their normal routine and they are not left with strangers. It may be that as our thinking advances further, it will be realized that in separated families, both parents can safely spend substantial periods of time with children who are even this young. Cooperation between parents and synchrony in routines will minimize negative impact on the infant. The ideal at this age is generally considered to be one or two hours at a time with the non-resident parent several days a week, so that the infant can learn to trust this parent as well as his or her primary carer (Wallerstein, Lewis and Blakeslee, 2000). Such an arrangement allows for a meaningful relationship with the child for the non-resident parent as well as the resident parent.

Denise Britton, Psychologist and Mediator