Meaningful Relationship between Parent a Child – Part 3

“Meaningful Relationship” between a Parent and a Child at Different Stages of the Child’s Development

From a psychological standpoint, a meaningful relationship between a parent and a child is quite different at different developmental stages in a child’s life, based on varying needs of children as they grow.

For toddlers from one to three years of age, attachment to the primary carer and to other interested persons takes on major significance, especially when considering the viability of contact with non-resident parents. The most important prerequisite for secure attachment is thought to be the sensitive responsiveness of the caregiver to the infant's needs – especially to states such as anxiety, fear, fatigue and illness. Secure attachment leads to a sense of control over the environment, as the infant starts to venture further and further away from attachment figures and to develop a sense of self worth.

In the second and third years of a child's life, all areas of development proceed at an enormous rate – from fine and gross motor skills to social and imaginative play which involves cooperation and the taking on of roles such as leader and follower. Normal three year olds can communicate quite complex ideas in comprehensible sentences and have extensive vocabularies, even tailoring speech to suit their listeners' needs (Schatz and Gelman, 1973). From this capacity to communicate comes early socialization and the ability to form many levels of relationship across all age groups. Associated with the toddler's discovery of a sense of autonomy – a self separate from the primary attachment figure and able to make decisions which do not necessarily correspond with the requirements of the carer - is a period of negativism which is often described as the "terrible twos" or "terrible threes" and is associated with the continual use of the word. "NO". Children at this age need firm and appropriate limits at the same time as they need the sense of security which allows them to test their emerging abilities. Parents and other carers need patience, persistence, and a clear and positive sense of self to handle them appropriately.

A meaningful relationship with a parent at this age requires frequent contact since toddlers lack the ability to hold memories of attachment figures for extended periods of time (Lund, 2005). Provided logistically possible and practicable, a more equitable form of shared care, including overnight stays with the contact parent, can be considered – provided the child is attached to the contact parent and the contact parent has necessary parenting skills. If the toddler has coped with overnight stays with babysitters, sleeps through the night, allows the contact parent to comfort him or her in stressful situations and the contact parent's home is appropriately equipped, this augers well for extension of contact periods. Secure attachment to both the primary and contact carers will predispose to a successful increase in time with the contact parent.

Denise Britton, Psychologist and Mediator