Controlling Partners

What comes to mind when you hear the phrase "controlling partner"? Most of us will think of someone physically aggressive, who tells their partner what to wear, who to socialise with and how to act. And yes, these are the visible and troubling signs of a controlling partner - the ones which other people can see and hear.

What is more worrying, is the type of controlling partner who's manipulation is so complex, even the victim doesn't know it's happening?

Controlling behaviour, whether or not it leads to more serious forms of abuse, emotional or physical, is not healthy for anyone. If you recognise any of the following signs in your partner, take note.

Signs your partner may be controlling you:-

You have been isolated from your friends and family - controlling partners want to strip you of your support network, so you rely on them more and spend more time with them. This can start out as complaining about the number of times per week you visit your sister, or speak to your Mum on the phone.

Constant criticism - a continual pattern of criticism about your appearance, or how you speak can be belittling and makes you feel less important in the relationship. Take a step back - is it really healthy for your partner to think so many things about you need to be improved?

Conditional Love - the message behind any conditional love is clear - you are not good enough. Phrases like "I would find you more attractive if you lost some weight" send a clear signal that you don't come up to scratch.

Ridicule disguised as teasing - Your partner says something which really upsets you, but when you confront them about it, their response is "Oh I was only joking" or "Stop taking things the wrong way". This is an example of them making sure you believe that your feelings are silly or unimportant.

Unwillingness to hear your point of view - ever - Think about those times you've tried to raise an issue with your partner, or tell them how their behaviour makes you feel? Get anywhere with that? No - because they've dismissed your feelings out of hand as not worth listening to.

So you've read our list, you've realised that yes, you are in a controlling relationship. What next?

First, give yourself a pat on the back. You've just crossed the first hurdle, and that's awareness. You are now aware that this is happening to you. Take some time to absorb this before considering what to do next. And look out for further advice on this topic in our "Toxic Relationships" series running all of this week.

Not all abuse is physical: 10 signs you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship

Nothing is more damaging to your confidence or self esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Emotional abuse can be subtle - sometimes so subtle, and so manipulative, you don't even know it's happening to you. It is easy to become to accustomed to a pattern of mistreatment, that you find ways of coping with it, and this can mean you are in denial about the fact that it is happening to you at all.

Verbal abuse, threatening behaviour, constant criticism, intimidation, shaming - any of these sound familiar to you?

Take a moment to think about you and your partner - here are 10 signs you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship:-

1. Your partner puts you down or humiliates you in front of other people;
2. Your partner accuses you of being "too sensitive";
3. Your partner corrects you all the time and treats you like a child;
4. Your partner does not show you any empathy or compassion;
5. Your partner does not notice or does not care about your feelings;
6. Your partner calls you names;
7. Your partner regularly points out your flaws and shortcomings;
8. Your partner makes you feel like they are always right and you are always wrong;
9. Your partner neglects you and makes you feel unwanted;
10. Your partner denies his or her controlling behaviour when confronted.

All relationships are different, and dynamics can vary from couple to couple, but don't make the mistake of reassuring yourself that any of the above behaviour is "normal". If any of the ten things in the list above are happening to you on a regular basis, then you are in a toxic relationship which may be damaging your health and wellbeing. Consider discussing these issues with your partner, or confiding in a close friend or family member. And look out for advice on dealing with toxic relationships in our series running all of this week.