"The Green Prince": There are (at least) two sides to every story OR It's all about your perspective

Have you heard of the movie, "The Green Prince"?  I hadn't until friends invited us to a Saturday showing at the Schonell Theatre yesterday.


The film is a scripted documentary.  The main "characters" are Palestinian, Mosab Hassan Yousef and Israeli, Gonen.  Mosab is the eldest and most dutiful son of a senior and influential figure in the zealously anti-Israeli Hamas.  Gonen, on the other hand, is an Israeli  secret service operative in the ruthless anti-Palestinian Shin Bet, with a background including psychology.


Under the carefully manipulative influence of Gonen, Mosab is transformed.  At 17 he is angry and hell bent on avenging what he perceives to be the unjust and cruel targeting and repetitive jailing of his much loved and respected father by Israeli forces. A stint in prison, however, showed him first hand how Hamas members in prison committed greater atrocities on their own with less justification in his view than the Israelis. Over time he came to see the basis of Hamas's terror tactics in Israel as flawed and even his father as one-eyed and not amenable to reason.


Not only did  Mosab become  a highly prized informant for the Israelis by virtue of his close association with his father as his trusted advisor and assistant, but he and Gonen developed a relationship based on genuine trust and affection - to the extent that they demonstrated extreme loyalty towards each other in the face of great risk of harm or even death at the hands of zealously single-minded individuals in both Shin Bet and Hamas.


Was Mosab a selfish person who worked for the Israelis to save his own skin or did he undergo a true moral awakening in the face of the deaths of so many Israeli citizens at the hands of suicide bombings and other violent tactics orchestrated by Hamas?


How is it he was able to betray (according to his upbringing and his nationality) his father and his kinsmen?  Was it in fact betrayal or did he believe that if he could help stop the violence perpetrated by Hamas then there might be a better world for Israeli and Palestinian alike?


What about Gonen?  Did he really connect with Mosab at a human level, or was Mosab no more than a much valued prize pawn in the fight against Hamas?


Talk about 50 shades of grey: I'm thinking that in this situation 50 might be an underestimation!


Are there any similarities or learnings here for us to take into dispute resolution for separating couples, disputing workers, extended families in crisis?


Methinks there is always more than one story to hear and that there are also many ways to view each story.  When in doubt, don't judge.  Listen, listen and keep listening and potential solutions will usually emerge under the guidance of a skilled and sensitive mediator.     

2015 has started with a bang at Brisbane Mediations

Like the fireworks most of us observed in person or electronically at midnight on the 1st of January, 2015 has started with a bang at Brisbane Mediations.


We have taken time out to look at what we did well in 2014 and what we may be able to improve or add to our services in 2015.  We're back on deck energised and ready to listen.


Judging by the people who have already rung Krystina or come through our door for intake discussions this week, at least some problem situations have not magically disappeared over the Christmas holiday period.


This year, as always, we intend to deliver non-judgmental, supportive and skilled conflict management to our clients.   


We must of course remain neutral and not "take sides" or lecture parties about what we believe is the best way to resolve their disputes.  We do, however, challenge and assist with reality testing of desired outcomes, helping our clients to realise that just as there are at least two sides to every story, there are at least two perspectives to every dispute.  The old saying, "It takes two to tango" could be modified to, "It takes at least two to create conflict".


Whether your dispute is the result of a relationship separation, entrenched tensions between extended family members, workplace disagreements or conflict over an estate you think has been unfairly apportioned, the Brisbane Mediations team is trained and equipped to assist.


It is our role to guide people in dispute to a resolution they can live with and that allows them to move on with their lives - if possible, without harbouring resentment. The team at Brisbane Mediations derive pleasure from seeing our clients relieved of the burden of emotionally draining and often financially expensive disputes. We've all seen enough of those in the Court system.


Life is short.  Let's all make the most of it.  At Brisbane Mediations we like to say, Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out.  Just because you've had bad luck with someone significant in your world, you don't have to live the rest of your life with conflict, stress and regret.  We aim to help our clients chalk it up to experience, let go of the bitterness and move on.


We know that the people who come to see us are usually hurting and feeling betrayed. Those feelings take time to heal, but we would love to start you off in a more positive direction with an agreement that, no matter how hard won,  all parties can at least tolerate. Over time, the conflict can become a blip on the horizon.


Come in and see us and make 2015 your best year yet!

It's NOT "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" for some

It's NOT "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" for some.

While most of us are caught up in last minute gift shopping and wrapping, planning food for Christmas Day and packing for time away at the beach or other haunts, others are doing it tough.


Some have been given notice that their jobs will not be continuing in the new year, some are feeling dread at the prospect of unimpeded time "relaxing" with a partner they scarcely have time to chat to most of the year and yet others are dealing with recent losses or reliving past ones.


At Brisbane Mediations, we know that all is not always as it seems in people's lives. In keeping with the generous spirit of Christmas, we should all spare a moment to check on the people next door, ring the relative who lives alone and has not been in touch for a while, reach out to friends and above all else appreciate and hug our loved ones.


We hope all our followers have a wonderful, safe and restorative Christmas and New Year and that you share your good things. If you are one of those who is struggling, hang in there.  In dark times, Christmas is like that moment just before the dawn.  If you see it out, a fresh new year will make things look very different and, with the right support, you can start making the changes needed in your life.


Merry Christmas!


Denise, Mike, Krystina, Joanne and the Mediation Team

PEACE TALKS - What would Mum and Dad say if they knew you were fighting over their estate?

What would Mum and Dad say if they knew you were fighting over their hard earned property, super and other assets?

How often have we all heard that grief and loss bring out the best and the worst in people?  It really is true isn't it?  Sadly, when we lose significant people in our lives a  chain reaction of free flowing emotions tends to start and all sorts of unresolved issues from the past can surface, including old sibling rivalry - feelings about unfair treatment by parents, unfair advantages to our brothers and sisters, things that weren't said and should have been or were said and shouldn't have been.

When Mum and Dad are no longer around to keep the family on some sort of an even keel or to even give their version of events, there is the potential for these issues to get right out of hand - especially if, for one reason or another, Mum and Dad decided that their estate should not be divided equally.

There are indeed laws about sorting out perceived inequities in respect of who is left what, and the courts are there to help as a last resort.

As mediators skilled in dealing with all types of interpersonal disputes, though, we know that "blood is thicker than water" in most cases.  A discussion around a table under the guidance of a skilled mediator BEFORE the dispute escalates, has the best chance of ensuring the estate is not depleted through legal costs and of achieving a result everyone can live with and which allows siblings to continue on as a family - something every parent would want.

How would you feel if your kids ended up not talking to each other and trying to forget they were even related, just because you were prudent enough to have something to leave them? Most in those circumstances would rather spend it all before they went. 

Give our expert and sensitive mediators the opportunity to help you sort your estate issues in a way which allows you to save money, save face and save relationships!

PEACE TALKS 

Flexibility in Mediation

The American Bar association has recognised "flexibility" as one of the factors defining high quality mediation practice.

The finding is one of the factors identified by the Association in it's published Final Report-Task Force on Improving Mediation Quality.

While it is good to have some recognizable steps or standardisation in mediation process, the mediator needs to be ever mindful of the range of approaches and tools in his or her skillset and try to identify what may or may not work in a particular dispute.

An example of this arose in an elder law mediation we undertook last week where an 80 plus lady was involved in a family dispute with allegations that one of her children had taken advantage of her to enrich himself.The parties were embroiled in District Court litigation over a jointly owned property of reasonably modest value and the prospect that if not resolved, the dispute would further lessen the net value of the property in dispute and accentuate the divisions in what was already a highly divided family.

During the shuttle discussions it became apparent that the son was prepared to compromise his claim  for compensation for work allegedly undertaken on the property, however his mother had reached a hard nosed position and was intent on taking all,despite the fact that this would involve a costly and messy trial with the possibility of no real winner.

Rather than follow the customary steps, a heavy emphasis and lots of time was spent in listening to and validating elderly mum's concerns and developing a rapport which proved invaluable in gently guiding her to what was clearly a sensible and commonsense solution of  a  complicated fact situation with various allegations and counter allegations many of which would be difficult to prove.

Whilst the path of the process was not clearly apparent when we set out and evolved as we moved through the dispute, I as the mediator, have no doubt that the armchair chat type approach and heavy investment in rapport and trust was the right one for this dispute and resulted in an outcome where the parties not only saved significant costs, but were able to take up the threads of communication in a manner suggesting at least some prospect however small, of family healing so that the elderly mother could possibly have some chance of finding harmony and peace in her twilight years.

Our new website has gone live!!

Our sleeves have been rolled up over the last couple of months whilst developing the new Brisbane Mediations website. 


We are very proud and excited to advise the time has now come and we are running live. 

Please accept our invitation to click on the following link and discover all that Brisbane Mediations encompasses and offers: www.brisbanemediations.com.au 


Let us know what you think and if there are any areas that particularly interest you. We would love to receive your feedback either by email on resolve@brisbanemediations.com.au or by phone 07 3839 7400.


Brisbane Mediations has over 30 specialist mediators including many registered Family Dispute Resolution Practitioners on its panel ready to help your clients discuss issues, look at options and work out how best to reach agreement in disputes relating to relationships, financial, workplace, organisational and child-inclusive mediations. Unlike some other agencies, at Brisbane Mediations we welcome the participation of lawyers in our process. 


Our purpose built rooms allow mediations to be conducted in a relaxed non-threatening environment. 


Let Brisbane Mediations do all the footwork for you- call us on 07 3839 7400 or email resolve@brisbanemediations.com.au 

Don't involve your adolescents in your post separation disputes

Separated and disputing parents of adolescent children need to guard against imparting any (even unintentional) encouragement to their children to take their side against the other parent. Teenagers already have their own developmental issues to deal with - for example, finding a way to individuate from parents whilst still maintaining close attachments, pursuing serious educational and career goals, developing adult type relationships and establishing their own identity in the world. They should be relieved of any explicit or implicit onus to align themselves with one parent or the other. Parents who alienate their adolescents against the other parent do so at both their children's and their own peril. There is a risk to the mental health of the adolescent and to the later relationship between the alienating parent and the alienated child. Denise Britton, Co-Principal Brisbane Mediations

Children's contact with Grandparents

Contact between Children and Grandparents

The 2006 reforms to the Family Law Act recognised the right of children to spend time and communicate on a regular basis not only with both their parents but other people significant to their care, welfare and development such as grandparents, except where it would be contrary to the child's best interests to do so.

The changes were introduced in acknowledgement of the important role that grandparents can play in the child's life and to address the scenario where grandparents were often cut out of their grandchildren's lives after the parents of the grandchild separated or divorced.Grandparents are given specific authority to apply for a parenting order under section 65C of the Family Law Act.

In deciding whether to make a particular parenting order in relation to a child, the court must regard the best interests of the child as the paramount consideration.

In determining what is in the child's best interests the court must, along with other factors, consider the following:

i) The likely effect of any changes in the child's circumstances, including the likely effect on the child of any separation from any grandparent with whom they have been living;

ii) The capacity of any other person, including any grandparent, to provide for the needs of the child including emotional and intellectual needs.

It is not always necessary for grandparents to go to court to secure contact and an ongoing relationship with their grandchildren.If they are unable to resolve their differences directly with the child's parents, grandparents should first consider mediation as an avenue for resolving the dispute without the cost and stress and inevitable damage to relationships that court proceedings usually entail.

This is especially important where there is a need for an ongoing relationship.

If a mediation is not successful however, grandparents may need to consider court action as a last resort.

Lawyers and Family Mediation - Bridging the Divide

The Legalwise Family Law Conference was held in Vietnam recently and Brisbane Mediations principal, Mike Emerson presented the following paper titled Lawyers and Family Mediation - Bridging the Divide
http://bit.ly/rm1J8Y

Contact between Children and Grandparents

The 2006 reforms to the Family Law Act recognised the right of children to spend time and communicate on a regular basis not only with both their parents but other people significant to their care,welfare and development such as grandparents, except where it would be contrary to the child's best interests to do so.

The changes were introduced in acknowledgement of the important role that grandparents can play in the child's life and to address the scenario where grandparents were often cut out of their grandchildren's lives after the parents of the grandchild separated or divorced.

Grandparents are given specific authority to apply for a parenting order under section 65C of the Family Law Act.

In deciding whether to make a particular parenting order in relation to a child, the court must regard the best interests of the child as the paramount consideration.

In determining what is in the child's best interests the court must, along with other factors, consider the following:

- The likely effect of any changes in the child's circumstances, including the likely effect on the child of any separation from any grandparent with whom they have been living.

-The capacity of any other person, including any grandparent,to provide for the needs of the child including emotional and intellectual needs.

It is not always necessary for grandparents to go to court to secure contact and an ongoing relationship with their grandchildren.

If they are unable to resolve their differences directly with the child's parents,grandparents should first consider mediation as an avenue for resolving the dispute without the cost and stress and inevitable damage to relationships that court proceedings usually entail.

Brisbane Mediations offers parents and grandparents the opportunity to resolve these disputes without the need for court intervention and welcomes all inquiries.

Mike Emerson Co-Principal Brisbane Mediations

Mediation - around the table or in separate rooms?

People attending mediations often say they are nervous about sitting in the same room as the other party and ask about mediating from separate rooms or via a "shuttle" process.

In the majority of cases, even where there is considerable tension between the parties, I encourage them to at least commence their mediation around the one table.

The reasons include the following:

In my experience, it is generally beneficial to the mediation process for the parties to hear each other's concerns and issues directly;

They can each be more confident that the other party has in fact heard them;

They each hear an unabridged version of the other's views and not what the mediator has paraphrased;

By "breaking the ice" between parties who may not have spoken directly to each other for some time, the opportunity arises in many instances for some helpful discussion;

Brainstorming of options can be facilitated more effectively when the parties are in the same room;

Having a mediator or mediators present provides a safe environment in which to set the scene for an ongoing relationship between the parties (for example, when co-parenting after separation or divorce or needing to continue as colleagues in the workplace);

Some release of negative emotion is more likely if both parties are in the same room and when managed by a skilled and sensitive mediator this will often clear the way for more helpful and productive negotiation of solutions;

There is less chance of parties becoming suspicious about an alliance forming between the mediator and the other party;

The mediator's time is saved as he or she does not need to run between rooms and parties from the outset of the mediation;

If either party finds it too difficult to remain in the same room as the other party then it is a simple matter to change to shuttle mode at any time;

Parties are often most grateful for the opportunity to deal directly with the other party, whilst being supported by an even handed process.

Denise Britton
Co-Principal Brisbane Mediations

The Counsellor's Role in Family Law Disputes

Brisbane Mediations: http://bit.ly/kinWBP

The do's and don'ts of Mediation

The Do's and Don'ts of Mediation
http://bit.ly/m0EsAT

Family Mediation - One Size Doesn't Fit All

When there is conflict between separated couples over parenting and/or property, Mediation is a means of dispute resolution which can be adapted to the needs of the mediating parties and the nature of their dispute.

Sometimes, it is to the advantage of all concerned for a mediation to be conducted and completed over the course of one day, a comprehensive agreement being signed that same day.

In other cases because of: the personalities of the parties, the stage they have reached in respect of their emotional separation, the complexities of their dispute or the availability of the parties or their legal advisers, mediation might be best conducted over a period of time in smaller chunks.

The latter approach allows for parties struggling to adjust to their separation to deal with and adapt to changes in their lives one step at a time. For some, to attempt to make overarching decisions about financial or children's matters once and for all at their first mediation session is simply overwhelming and too daunting.

Time to consider and adapt is something that should never be denied to mediating parties if this is what they believe they need.

Most experienced mediators sensitive to their clients' needs know that some people need to discuss the options on the table with trusted advisers before signing off on an agreement.

Others like to trial the success of new arrangements (particularly in respect of children) before reviewing them and taking a further step. This is especially the case in matters involving very young children whose routines will be significantly altered by the proposed agreement.

Similarly, some parties will want their mediator to give them advice on what is best for their children or what is likely to happen should they not agree at mediation and go to court instead. Others want a mediator to only use their mediation skills to effect a resolution and would prefer to seek counsel from their own advisers.

Some want their children's views ascertained by a qualified child consultant who informs the mediation. Others see this as unduly stressful for their children.

If a mediation service has a "one size fits all" approach to mediation, then there is reason for concern. Mediation is about the needs of the parties, not those of the mediator.

Look for suitably qualified, experienced and flexible mediators willing to tailor their processes to the needs of their clients. Remember the old adage, "If all the workman has in his toolkit is a hammer, then every job he does will require a nail."

Denise Britton
Co-Principal and Psychologist
Brisbane Mediations

Binding Financial Agreements

Latest developments in Binding Financial Agreements for marriages and de facto relationships.
http://bit.ly/mAdWyA

Don't involve your adolescents in your post separation disputes

Separated and disputing parents of adolescent children need to guard against imparting any (even unintentional) encouragement to their children to take their side against the other parent. Teenagers already have their own developmental issues to deal with - for example, finding a way to individuate from parents whilst still maintaining close attachments, pursuing serious educational and career goals, developing adult type relationships and establishing their own identity in the world. They should be relieved of any explicit or implicit onus to align themselves with one parent or the other. Parents who alienate their adolescents against the other parent do so at both their children's and their own peril. There is a risk to the mental health of the adolescent and to the later relationship between the alienating parent and the alienated child. Denise Britton, Co-Principal Brisbane Mediations

The Tragedy of Darcey Freeman

The tragic case of Darcey Freeman – the little girl who was thrown off the Westgate Bridge on 29 January 2009 - shocked a nation of people who are no longer easy to shock. Darcey tugs at all of our hearts. We all know a potential “Darcey”. She was real. She deserved a chance at life. She was let down: - By someone she loved and trusted and who should have been there to protect her; by our legal systems; by our social networks; and in some way by each of us. News reports indicate that five out of six psychiatrists attributed Darcey’s needless death to factors other than mental illness and at least one of these five to probable pre-meditated spousal revenge. We are told that threats were made to her mother – that she would “pay” and that she would not see her children again. What can we do to prevent more vulnerable little children like Darcey from meeting such a horrible and unfathomable fate? It is vital to spread the message that there are ways of resolving disputes which allow everybody – the mother, the father and especially the children - to move on from family breakdown and to have full and meaningful lives. http://bit.ly/fwztoB

The Tragedy of Darcey Freeman

The tragic case of Darcey Freeman – the little girl who was thrown off the Westgate Bridge on 29 January 2009 - shocked a nation of people who are no longer easy to shock. Darcey tugs at all of our hearts. We all know a potential “Darcey”. She was real. She deserved a chance at life. She was let down: - By someone she loved and trusted and who should have been there to protect her; by our legal systems; by our social networks; and in some way by each of us. News reports indicate that five out of six psychiatrists attributed Darcey’s needless death to factors other than mental illness and at least one of these five to probable pre-meditated spousal revenge. We are told that threats were made to her mother – that she would “pay” and that she would not see her children again. What can we do to prevent more vulnerable little children like Darcey from meeting such a horrible and unfathomable fate? It is vital to spread the message that there are ways of resolving disputes which allow everybody – the mother, the father and especially the children - to move on from family breakdown and to have full and meaningful lives. http://bit.ly/fwztoB