There's no such thing as "A Happy Divorce". Or is there?

Separation and divorce are so often referred to in negative terms - a "failed marriage", betrayal of trust", "loss of the dream", "a broken family".

How much less often do we talk of learning from a relationship and separation experience, having another chance, the benefits of the experience to new relationships, or being freed to pursue more personal goals? It can and often does transpire that in time a relationship breakdown is viewed positively - by not just one but by both parties.

"That's all very well for some",  you might say.  "But what about the unfaithfulness, the lies, the breach of trust? What about my broken heart, the years wasted, the dreadful pain of rejection?"

Each separation experience is unique. Each separation experience is personal. Most are painful. Most trigger a grief process of variable duration and intensity and a recovery and adjustment period which is equally unpredictable in nature.
Separation,

How well separated adults recover and "move on", to use a colloquialism, is dependent on a wide range of factors: personality, the capacity to make a positive out of a negative, level of social and emotional support, and the quality and orientation of advice - to name a few.

The dismantling of an intimate relationship represents a loss and as with other grief experiences, can be likened to travelling through a tunnel. It is a process and the only way out is to go through it. It is helpful to keep a look out for that tiny glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel and continue to do whatever brings it closer. The journey is about recovery from the loss. The destination is a brighter, happier and more enlightened life experience.

PEACE TALKS: Syria - a challenge for the most skilled and conscientious mediator

What right thinking person would not be distressed and inclined to join the chorus to, "Do something" about the human crisis in Syria that has been unfolding over recent weeks on the world stage?

Do we understand what is really happening there?  Who are the disputing parties?  What is the true composition of their ranks?

What are their positions in the dispute (that is, what is the bottom line that they are seeking)?

What secrets or hidden agendas are driving the dispute?

What unresolved hurts and grief from the past are interfering with a resolution?

Are the members of the disputing groups cohesive in their wishes or are they being intimidated and manipulated by strong and malevolent forces within?

What are the parents of the murdered children and of the young soldiers compelled to use force against their own people saying?

Who has the skills to engage the parties and seek the answers to these questions in an effort to help these poor people rise above their differences and have a chance of living their lives without fear and aggression?

Does the spectre of a "big brother" force bring with it more or less likelihood of resolution?

Although the stakes are much higher, these questions have much in common with those which need to be asked about every interpersonal dispute.  At Brisbane Mediations we would contend that the more peaceful the resolution the better for all parties.  What is your view?

PEACE TALKS - Denise Britton

PEACE TALKS - What would Mum and Dad say if they knew you were fighting over their estate?

What would Mum and Dad say if they knew you were fighting over their hard earned property, super and other assets?

How often have we all heard that grief and loss bring out the best and the worst in people?  It really is true isn't it?  Sadly, when we lose significant people in our lives a  chain reaction of free flowing emotions tends to start and all sorts of unresolved issues from the past can surface, including old sibling rivalry - feelings about unfair treatment by parents, unfair advantages to our brothers and sisters, things that weren't said and should have been or were said and shouldn't have been.

When Mum and Dad are no longer around to keep the family on some sort of an even keel or to even give their version of events, there is the potential for these issues to get right out of hand - especially if, for one reason or another, Mum and Dad decided that their estate should not be divided equally.

There are indeed laws about sorting out perceived inequities in respect of who is left what, and the courts are there to help as a last resort.

As mediators skilled in dealing with all types of interpersonal disputes, though, we know that "blood is thicker than water" in most cases.  A discussion around a table under the guidance of a skilled mediator BEFORE the dispute escalates, has the best chance of ensuring the estate is not depleted through legal costs and of achieving a result everyone can live with and which allows siblings to continue on as a family - something every parent would want.

How would you feel if your kids ended up not talking to each other and trying to forget they were even related, just because you were prudent enough to have something to leave them? Most in those circumstances would rather spend it all before they went. 

Give our expert and sensitive mediators the opportunity to help you sort your estate issues in a way which allows you to save money, save face and save relationships!

PEACE TALKS 

Managing Grief and Loss in the Context of Family Breakdown

The rite of passage from a marriage or marital type relationship to being single and the mythical journey across the River Stix after death are similar in many ways. The five stages of grief in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s seminal 1969 work, “On Grief and Dying”, are still helpful in understanding the grief and loss associated with marital and family breakdown. “Denial” gives time to adjust to the initial shock. “Anger” is normal and can provide much needed energy for the growth process triggered by the relationship ending. “Bargaining” in one way or another is part of desperate last ditch attempts to reverse the process of loss. “Depression” occurs when the loss appears inevitable and sadness threatens to engulf the grieving person. “Acceptance” heralds the end of the journey and is accompanied by neither positive nor negative emotion, but rather by letting go and seeking an end to the pain. Grieving a loss is not a linear process and those who grieve will go in and out of the above five stages until they are ready to move forward. For those moving on after separation and divorce and those who have lost partners to death, there is hope of a new and better life - much like the believer’s afterlife. They will, however, have the best outcomes if during recovery they are supported and advised by professionals sensitive to their unique progression through the grieving process. Denise Britton B Soc Wk, M Litt (Psych), MAPsS, MAASW Partner Brisbane Mediations http://bit.ly/er6rqb

Managing Grief and Loss in the Context of Family Breakdown

The rite of passage from a marriage or marital type relationship to being single and the mythical journey across the River Stix after death are similar in many ways. The five stages of grief in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s seminal 1969 work, “On Grief and Dying”, are still helpful in understanding the grief and loss associated with marital and family breakdown. “Denial” gives time to adjust to the initial shock. “Anger” is normal and can provide much needed energy for the growth process triggered by the relationship ending. “Bargaining” in one way or another is part of desperate last ditch attempts to reverse the process of loss. “Depression” occurs when the loss appears inevitable and sadness threatens to engulf the grieving person. “Acceptance” heralds the end of the journey and is accompanied by neither positive nor negative emotion, but rather by letting go and seeking an end to the pain. Grieving a loss is not a linear process and those who grieve will go in and out of the above five stages until they are ready to move forward. For those moving on after separation and divorce and those who have lost partners to death, there is hope of a new and better life - much like the believer’s afterlife. They will, however, have the best outcomes if during recovery they are supported and advised by professionals sensitive to their unique progression through the grieving process. Denise Britton B Soc Wk, M Litt (Psych), MAPsS, MAASW Partner Brisbane Mediations http://bit.ly/er6rqb