Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts

Friday, December 9, 2016

Denise's Festive Musings: Lessons from Einstein



Recently, when I was completing my reading for the last CSIRO Human Research Ethics Committee meeting for the year, I came across a quote that speaks volumes.

“Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted”.  
Albert Einstein 

Albert Einstein was not only a brilliant theoretical physicist.  He also contributed greatly to the philosophy of science. The above quote resonates for me on many levels - not just the scientific.

At this time of supposed Joy and Good Will towards others, I couldn’t help but apply Einstein’s wisdom to the battlefield that is, too often, the context in which Family Dispute Resolution Practitioners work.

Even during mediation of parenting issues between separated couples, the bitter spectre of conflict over property, child support and spousal support too often rears its ugly head.

In the desperate clamour of parents to “get what’s fair”, their children’s most important but largely unquantifiable needs - a sense of security, unconditional love, nurturing, quality time with both parents, and the opportunity to achieve their potential - are too often lost. 

It is my belief that if even one parent in every parenting dispute were to truly prioritise their children’s needs over their own (often unrealistic) financial claims, the children would come out the other side of separation and divorce feeling better about themselves and would suffer fewer mental health issues, relationship difficulties and other social problems in adulthood. 

Einstein - a true visionary. 

Denise Britton
Principal Brisbane Mediations




Thursday, October 13, 2016

"Divorce" on Showcase - Must see TV

Aside from an opening joke a about too few bathrooms, a coffee canister and a garage, one of the most memorable parts of “Divorce”, the new comedy series from HBO starring @SJP which aired last night on Showcase in Australia, were the comments of the husband who has just found out his wife has been cheating.

Robert calmly tells his wife "You know that divorce you wanted? I want one too. But that sneaky, easy, friendly way that you were hoping for - you can forget it. Because I'm going to make you miserable, and more to the point, I'm going to make your children hate you."

@samwollaston called it “a truthful depiction of midlife discontent”, which we think sums up nicely a pilot episode which included a woman trying to shoot her husband on her 50th birthday. It will be interesting to see what else writer Sharon Horgan has in store for these forty and fifty-something characters as the series unfolds. It’s sure to be dark, funny and likely to touch a nerve or two. All the hallmarks of well written comedy drama.


Thursday, October 6, 2016

"I'm leaving you....." : What to do when you've had second thoughts.



So you've realised you're in a toxic relationship (Not all abuse is physical: 10 signs you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship); you've taken advice about the practical and emotional steps you need to take to prepare for leaving ("I'm leaving you....." Practical advice for getting out of a toxic relationship and "I'm leaving you...." How to survive the emotional rollercoaster of ending a relationship) but now the whole thing just seems really complicated and you're having second thoughts........

Things just got scary, right? No matter how well you know in your heart of hearts that this relationship is toxic and you need to get out, in the cold light of day, it's easy to be overwhelmed by the momentous decision you have taken or are about to take; get cold feet; and do a u-turn.

Yes it's damn scary and you shouldn't berate yourself for not being able to go ahead with it, or having second thoughts. You've just hopped on board the emotional rollercoaster remember, and sometimes you'll be thinking about the good times as well as the bad.

Acknowledge that not all parts of your relationship were toxic, and allow yourself to celebrate the parts that were good. Writing down the good and the and bits is a good way of focusing your attention when you start to feel you've been too hasty and maybe you should stay after all?

Note to self though - was your decision to stay triggered by your partner doing something nice, or demonstrating his or her best qualities? They've been controlling you for years remember, know how to manipulate your feelings. 

And remember that just because you didn't manage to follow through on your original decision to leave doesn't mean you have to stay forever. Get that list out and be realistic about whether you should really stay. Ask yourself if this is really where you want to be in 5, 10, or 25 years?







"I'm leaving you...." How to survive the emotional rollercoaster of ending a relationship


This week, we've been focusing on controlling partner and toxic relationships, and we've spent a lot of time telling you about the signs you need to look out for in your own relationship.

Yesterday, we discussed the practical steps you need to consider prior to ending a toxic relationship with a controlling partner (safety - support - setting goals) and today, we're going to concentrate on the emotionally aspects of getting through a break up.

Leaving is not a single event - it's a continuing and evolving process. Here's how to survive the emotional rollercoaster..............



See yourself
During emotionally stressful times like this it is easy to forget about looking after yourself properly. You're going to need to be physically as well as emotionally strong to get through this, so try and remember to eat well, get some rest (and maybe a little exercise) and look after yourself. 

Take some time out
Meditation can be great for getting centred (yes its 100% the last-thing-in-the-world you are going to feel like doing, but trust us. It will really help). Never tried meditation before? Check out our Brisbane Mediations Guide to Meditation.

Support
If you read our "Practical Advice for leaving" blog yesterday, you'll be thinking we're repeating ourselves, but support is going to be a recurring theme throughout your break-up. 

You've probably forgotten who the people are you can rely on.And maybe you feel a little weird about asking anyone for help, hey you are probably thinking you don't want to discuss the nitty gritty of your relationship with other people yet as you need to get your own head around it first. 

Getting support from others doesn't necessarily have to mean sharing your whole story with them if you don't want to. Think about support for the little things causing you stress. Could your Dad pick the kids up after school? Or could your friend take your son to soccer practice? Don't try and go it alone, even with the every day tasks.

We know it's not easy, and if things are really getting on top of you, seek professional help from your GP, a therapist or counsellor.


Thursday, June 30, 2016

Brexit and Other Matters!

One of the little pleasures of travelling is the opportunity to read the newspapers of a destination country over a coffee (or two)

Recent happenings in the UK have made for very interesting reading. Every day the papers have provided new angles and reactions to the Brexit crisis and the turmoil presently engulfing both major political parties. The only thing that is crystal clear is that the fallout will continue as the nation comes to grip with an outcome which it seems even the strongest advocates of the Leave campaign were not expecting.

Life outside politics goes on however and while perusing The Times this morning, I came across this little piece which may be of interest to family lawyers back home:


Divorce lawyer warns of spouses on spending sprees

Older people going through divorce have been warned of a growing tendency of one spouse to go on a spending spree.

James Skinner, of Simpson Millar solicitors,said that several clients had complained  about the sudden reckless spending habits of their spouse.  People should guard joint bank accounts in the early stages of divorce in case one party squanders shared funds on " fast women, slow horses and expensive holidays".

Last year a judge told a wife divorcing after 40 years that she should have known her husband's flawed character and kept a closer eye on their finances, Mr Skinner said. " Once the money is gone, it's gone. That's the position of the family courts. Some might see that as a green light to squander shared fortunes. "

Sound advice indeed from Mr Skinner!






Monday, September 28, 2015

Panel of Mediators

Brisbane Mediations has an extensive panel of mediators available to assist with Mediations requiring to be organised at short notice.

Let us take the worry out of your next mediation by organising all aspects in a competent and efficient manner.

Our rates are competitive and we enjoy a strong reputation for our outcomes and professionalism.

Look at our website www.brisbanemediations.com.au for more information or call Gail on 3839 7400.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Landmark decision of Full Family Court in Fields & Smith

The much awaited decision of the Full Family Court in Fields & Smith [2015] FamCAFC 57 was handed down on 17 April 2015. https://jade.barnet.com.au/Jade.html#article=389655


In holding that there should be an equal distribution of the parties assets, the Court confirmed that there is no binding rule of “special contributions” and endorsed the view of the Full Court in Hoffman & Hoffman [2014] FamCAFC 92 where the Court said at paragraph 52:


“… we consider that the point being made is that there is no principle or guideline (or indeed anything else emerging from s 79), that renders the direct contribution of income or capital more important – or “special” – when compared against indirect contributions and, in particular, contributions to the home or the welfare of the family…”


At paragraph 187 of Fields & Smith the Court said:


187. In this case, the contributions of both parties over a lengthy period were substantial and significant. The wife’s contributions to the welfare of the family are in themselves significantcontributions and s 79 does not suggest that one kind of contribution should be treated as less important or valuable than another.


Commenting on the case, in the Australian of 20 April 2015, well- known family lawyer Paul Doolan noted inter alia that:


“In cases involving high-net-wealth parties who built up their assets together, the fact that one party produced the income during the relationship is not to be seen as more important than the role played by the other in making contributions to the family.”

Sunday, February 15, 2015

"The Green Prince": There are (at least) two sides to every story OR It's all about your perspective

Have you heard of the movie, "The Green Prince"?  I hadn't until friends invited us to a Saturday showing at the Schonell Theatre yesterday.


The film is a scripted documentary.  The main "characters" are Palestinian, Mosab Hassan Yousef and Israeli, Gonen.  Mosab is the eldest and most dutiful son of a senior and influential figure in the zealously anti-Israeli Hamas.  Gonen, on the other hand, is an Israeli  secret service operative in the ruthless anti-Palestinian Shin Bet, with a background including psychology.


Under the carefully manipulative influence of Gonen, Mosab is transformed.  At 17 he is angry and hell bent on avenging what he perceives to be the unjust and cruel targeting and repetitive jailing of his much loved and respected father by Israeli forces. A stint in prison, however, showed him first hand how Hamas members in prison committed greater atrocities on their own with less justification in his view than the Israelis. Over time he came to see the basis of Hamas's terror tactics in Israel as flawed and even his father as one-eyed and not amenable to reason.


Not only did  Mosab become  a highly prized informant for the Israelis by virtue of his close association with his father as his trusted advisor and assistant, but he and Gonen developed a relationship based on genuine trust and affection - to the extent that they demonstrated extreme loyalty towards each other in the face of great risk of harm or even death at the hands of zealously single-minded individuals in both Shin Bet and Hamas.


Was Mosab a selfish person who worked for the Israelis to save his own skin or did he undergo a true moral awakening in the face of the deaths of so many Israeli citizens at the hands of suicide bombings and other violent tactics orchestrated by Hamas?


How is it he was able to betray (according to his upbringing and his nationality) his father and his kinsmen?  Was it in fact betrayal or did he believe that if he could help stop the violence perpetrated by Hamas then there might be a better world for Israeli and Palestinian alike?


What about Gonen?  Did he really connect with Mosab at a human level, or was Mosab no more than a much valued prize pawn in the fight against Hamas?


Talk about 50 shades of grey: I'm thinking that in this situation 50 might be an underestimation!


Are there any similarities or learnings here for us to take into dispute resolution for separating couples, disputing workers, extended families in crisis?


Methinks there is always more than one story to hear and that there are also many ways to view each story.  When in doubt, don't judge.  Listen, listen and keep listening and potential solutions will usually emerge under the guidance of a skilled and sensitive mediator.     

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Separation, Divorce and Re-birth. What can Peter Greste and Reese Witherspoon's movie, "Wild", teach us?

Journalist, Peter Greste, has revealed that he is dealing with a kind of re-birth experience in the light of his release from an Egyptian jail.


He is processing mixed feelings which no doubt include immense personal relief and gratitude as well as  a version of "survivor guilt" for being free whilst his two colleagues remain incarcerated. 


Although he is not saying as much, it is probably also likely that, as an adaptable person, he had adjusted to the restrictions of life behind bars and that freedom will demand debriefing and re-adjustment so he can fully resume executive responsibility for his own life.


Peter Greste's experiences have common features with those of Cheryl Strayed as depicted in her biographical, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail and played by Reese Witherspoon in the movie, Wild, currently in Australian cinemas.


Strayed wrote about her epic journey - essentially alone and on foot - across the PCT (the 1000 mile Pacific Crest Trail  which is closely aligned with the Sierra Nevada and Cascade mountain ranges and runs between the US border with Mexico and that with Canada through the states of California, Oregon and Washington). This was her self prescribed healing process after losing her mother prematurely and reacting with self abuse through drugs and promiscuity with the result that she also lost herself. 


Strayed dared to ask the questions: "What if I could forgive myself?" "What if all those things I did were the things that got me here?"  In walking, she was trying to find the girl her mother always believed she was when she advised her to, "Find your best self and when you do, hold onto it forever". In Strayed's words, "After I lost myself in the wilderness of my grief, I found my own way out of the woods". 


This was Cheryl Strayed's re-birthing experience.  Peter Greste is also experiencing a re-birth subsequent to 400 days in his own "wilderness".  Both experiences are powerful and positive and neither would have been possible without a prolonged period of deprivation, self-discipline and extension of personal limits.


How do you plan to re-birth after you come out of the tunnel of grief and adjustment associated with separation and divorce?

Sunday, January 25, 2015

There's no such thing as "A Happy Divorce". Or is there?

Separation and divorce are so often referred to in negative terms - a "failed marriage", betrayal of trust", "loss of the dream", "a broken family".

How much less often do we talk of learning from a relationship and separation experience, having another chance, the benefits of the experience to new relationships, or being freed to pursue more personal goals? It can and often does transpire that in time a relationship breakdown is viewed positively - by not just one but by both parties.

"That's all very well for some",  you might say.  "But what about the unfaithfulness, the lies, the breach of trust? What about my broken heart, the years wasted, the dreadful pain of rejection?"

Each separation experience is unique. Each separation experience is personal. Most are painful. Most trigger a grief process of variable duration and intensity and a recovery and adjustment period which is equally unpredictable in nature.
Separation,

How well separated adults recover and "move on", to use a colloquialism, is dependent on a wide range of factors: personality, the capacity to make a positive out of a negative, level of social and emotional support, and the quality and orientation of advice - to name a few.

The dismantling of an intimate relationship represents a loss and as with other grief experiences, can be likened to travelling through a tunnel. It is a process and the only way out is to go through it. It is helpful to keep a look out for that tiny glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel and continue to do whatever brings it closer. The journey is about recovery from the loss. The destination is a brighter, happier and more enlightened life experience.



Monday, January 12, 2015

Good Advice for Separating Parties and All of Us

@BrisMediations: Great advice from Ruth Ostrow - not only for those going through separation and divorce, but for us all! http://t.co/4Odyiq1eh4

Monday, December 22, 2014

It's NOT "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" for some

It's NOT "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" for some.

While most of us are caught up in last minute gift shopping and wrapping, planning food for Christmas Day and packing for time away at the beach or other haunts, others are doing it tough.


Some have been given notice that their jobs will not be continuing in the new year, some are feeling dread at the prospect of unimpeded time "relaxing" with a partner they scarcely have time to chat to most of the year and yet others are dealing with recent losses or reliving past ones.


At Brisbane Mediations, we know that all is not always as it seems in people's lives. In keeping with the generous spirit of Christmas, we should all spare a moment to check on the people next door, ring the relative who lives alone and has not been in touch for a while, reach out to friends and above all else appreciate and hug our loved ones.


We hope all our followers have a wonderful, safe and restorative Christmas and New Year and that you share your good things. If you are one of those who is struggling, hang in there.  In dark times, Christmas is like that moment just before the dawn.  If you see it out, a fresh new year will make things look very different and, with the right support, you can start making the changes needed in your life.


Merry Christmas!


Denise, Mike, Krystina, Joanne and the Mediation Team








Monday, December 1, 2014

Consequences of Out of Control Litigation


A recent decision of His Honour Justice Benjamin in the Sydney Registry of the Family Court starkly demonstrates the consequences that can result when parties allow emotions to get out of control and fight to the death in the Family Court. 

The report on the case in the Daily Telegraph of 25 November 2014 speaks for itself with one party having run up costs of $690,000 fighting his estranged wife.

http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/couples-children-may-be-expelled-from-private-school-as-they-rack-up-a-690000-bill-in-infantile-divorce/story-fni0cx12-1227133142606

Para 18 of the judgment sums up His Honour's views where he said:

18. Whether they have previously done so or not, the legal practitioners representing the husband and the wife need to step forward and offer non-confrontational solutions to their respective clients.  The parties themselves should stop, take a deep breath, look around, think and find better ways to vent the anger, bitterness and aggression they may have for each other and consider the devastating impact that these proceedings may be having on their children and the devastating impact on the parties' economic circumstances.


One thing is certain, if the litigation continues, neither the parties nor their children will be the winners. 

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Bonds for Overseas Travel- Size Does Matter.

In Lau & Feizhou and Anor [2014] FamCA 182, Justice Aldridge sitting in the Sydney registry of the Family Court had to decide whether two young children should be permitted to travel to mainland China, a non-convention country,with their maternal grandmother with whom they resided in Australia.

The real issue for the court was whether or not the children would be returned.

The grandmother had proposed that a bond of $50,000 be lodged in her lawyer's trust account with that sum to be available for use by the father to secure the children's return to Australia should that become necessary.

The grandmother, was a Chinese citizen and deposed to having homes in both Australia and China however did not adduce evidence of her financial position.

The husband's evidence was that, from his observations, the maternal grandmother was very wealthy and had considerable property and business interests in China.

In providing a number of reasons for dismissing the grandmother's application, His Honour held that the value of providing a bond, hinged upon the relationship between the amount of the bond and the amount of the person's property, the court noting as follows:

"
15.Very wealthy people may be prepared to lose significant sums of money if it enables them to achieve a particular end that they seek. Thus, the value of a bond is directly dependent upon the amount of wealth available to the person providing the bond. In this case, there is no way to judge the value of the proposed bond because there is no evidence provided by the maternal grandmother as to her wealth. "

Having regard to the evidence the court could not be satisfied that the proposed bond of $50,000 was adequate.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Draft ruling on tax implications of property settlement transfers

As is oft the case I am a little late in catching up with my Proctor reading.

On reading the May edition I came across an article by Chris Nyst and Rohan McAdam alerting us to a new draft ruling of the ATO foreshadowing "a significant change in the way it will assess for taxation purposes, the distribution of joint matrimonial property pursuant to property proceedings under section 79 of the Family Law Act 1975."

The Family Court can and often does order a private company ( or individual party to the proceedings to cause the private company ) to pay money or transfer property to another party to the proceedings. Currently section 109J of the ITAA exempts such distributions for income tax assessment purposes, but according to Nyst and McAdam, under the new draft ruling, when money or property is paid by a private company or a party to the matrimonial proceedings, or transferred to a shareholder, the payment will be deemed to be an ordinary dividend , assessable as income of the shareholder under section 44 of the ITAA.

Just another reason to bring the accountants in on the terms of settlement to avoid a law claim at a later stage.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

The Circle of Care


"Family lawyers want to provide a holistic service to their clients that help them not only get through a divorce and settlement but prepare them for their new circumstances.Some lawyers have referred to this as providing a "circle of care ".  Within the circle of care, there are professionals that can help with the transition to the next stage of life.It comprises their lawyer, who can deal with the legal ramifications of a divorce, but because of the trusted relationship is also able to refer them to psychologists and counsellors, to provide assistance for emotional issues. Their lawyer may then refer them to a new accountant, particularly if their former partner, because of the conflict of interest that might arise, is still using the previous one. Family lawyers recognise that there is need for broad planning advice that can then be drilled down to specific strategies early in the process, they may want to recommend that their clients meet with a financial adviser."

Collins Mann October 2010

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Risks in lodging a Caveat.

The dangers of lodging a caveat to protect a purported interest in property are illustrated by the decision of Forrest J in Auricchio & Auricchio [2014] FamCA 240.

In applying Queensland State Law pursuant to the accrued federal jurisdiction of the Family Court, His Honour ordered that the wife forthwith take all necessary steps to cause the Queensland Registrar of Titles to remove the caveat from the title to the subject property and reserved the husband's costs.

The Court held  that the wife had not discharged the necessary evidentiary onus on her to uphold the caveat on the title.

Worth a look if you are contemplating placing a caveat on title to protect a client's interest.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Special Contributions to Property

For an interesting and recent discussion of the notion of "special contributions" see the Full Court decision of Hoffman & Hoffman [2014] FamCAFC 92.
FM Brewster as he then was ordered an equal division of property in a pool of about $10m after the parties' 36 year cohabitation.
In so doing, His Honour declined to accept any principle of special contributions.
The husband had asserted that his special skills and entrepreneurial flair were instrumental in the parties having the property they did at trial.
In dismissing the appeal the Full Court bench of Faulks DCJ, Murphy J and Watts J rejected the notion that there was a binding principle of law relating to "special contributions" or that there was any legitimate guideline in respect of such contributions.
Further that the nature of the category of contributions asserted by the husband was not of itself relevant but must be considered as with all other contributions made by each of the parties.
The Full Court held that "Read as a whole his Honour's reasons reflect a proper consideration of all matters relevant to the exercise of his Honour's wide discretion insofar as it specifically relates to contributions ".

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

"Cheer Squad"and other Affidavits

 It is not unusual in reported cases for Judges to make observations about aspects of practice.


The case of Baines and Crabal, an interim parenting matter, where judgment was delivered by Judge Scarlett in the Sydney registry on 30 April 2014 is a case in point.


In handing down judgment His Honour included some very worthwhile reflections on the purpose and use of affidavits in the family law jurisdiction which are worth quoting in full as I have done below.


His Honour's comments about the prevalence and weight attributed to what are colloquially referred to as "cheer squad" affidavits are particularly pertinent. 

 

"Affidavits

[38] Apart from the affidavits of the parties themselves, the parties’ lawyers have obtained supporting affidavits from members of the parties’ friends and family members.

[39] A practice has developed in parenting proceedings before this Court filing affidavits of this type, often referred to colloquially as “cheer squad affidavits. These affidavits are often short on facts but replete with supportive opinions, so that they read more like character references than statements of fact.

[40] These affidavits are often justified by reference to s.69ZT of the Family Law Act 1975, provides that certain provisions of the Evidence Act 1995 (Cth) do not apply to child-related proceedings. There is a mistaken view among some practitioners that the law of evidence does not apply at all in parenting proceedings. This is a serious error.

[41] Section 69ZT provides that certain Divisions of Part 2.1 of the Evidence Act 1995, Parts 2.2 and 2.3, and Parts 3.2 to 3.8 inclusive do not apply. The section does not exclude the operation of the Evidence Act 1995 in its entirety.

[42] The text book The Law of Affidavits8 by John Levingston states at page 7:

In Australia, an affidavit is defined as a written statement made by a person which is sworn or affirmed before a person authorised to administer an oath or affirmation that the contents of the statement are true, as a substitute for oral evidence.

[43] An affidavit must contain statements of fact that are relevant the case of the party who relies on that affidavit. Relevance is the criterion for admissibility, because s.69ZT does not exclude the operation of s.56 of the Evidence Act 1995, which states quite simply:

(1) Except as otherwise provided by this Act, evidence that it relevant in a proceeding is admissible in the proceeding.

 (2) Evidence that is not relevant in the proceeding is not admissible.

[44] Whilst it is true that s.69ZT of the Family Law Act 1975 provides at paragraph (1)(c) that Parts 3.2 to Part 3.8, including Part 3.3 which applies to opinion, does not apply, this should not be taken to mean that a deponent to an affidavit can provide a commentary on the proceedings or set out his or her views on what orders the Court should make. It is equally true that the deponent should not set out in the affidavit his or her innermost thoughts about the situation or how he or she reacted emotionally when hearing about certain events.

[45] Such matters cannot be relevant, and if they are not relevant they are not admissible.

[46] As a general principle, a Court will not place a great deal of weight on an affidavit from a close family member giving a ringing endorsement of the Applicant’s or Respondent’s qualities as a parent. Such affidavits are about as useful as a defendant facing sentencing on a criminal charge relying on a character reference from his or her mother.

[47] It is of no evidentiary value whatsoever to fill an affidavit from a relative with hearsay statements from the Applicant about his case, such as:

Mr Baines has disclosed to me that Ms Crabal’s immediate family did not treat Mr Baines with respect.9

Or:

At [Ms Crabal’s] sister’s wedding, Mr Baines was seated at the back table with all the children while every other adult was seated together. Mr Baines told me that he felt he was there as the baby sitter.10

[48] Endorsements of a party’s qualities in general terms without any detail whatsoever are of little or no evidentiary value, for example:

I believe Mr Baines is able to care for the children full time. He has always been there for the children and I know that he loves, encourages and supports the children. I know that the children mean everything to Mr Baines.11

[49] Documents speak for themselves. The contents of a letter cannot be introduced by statements such as:

Ms Crabal and Mr Baines showed me a letter that Mr Baines had received from his then employer [omitted], I recall the letter said…12

[50] Similarly, it is of no evidentiary value for a deponent to provide the Court with his or her innermost thoughts, such as “On a number of occasions I have being (sic) concerned about Mr Baines’s ability to care for the children“ or “I would be concerned for the children’s wellbeing and safety if they were to return to live with Mr Baines“.13

[51] Another deponent provided evidence of sorts about what she did not do by stating“Despite my observations I did not contact the Police, as I did not want Mr Baines to further verbally abuse Ms Crabal“ or what she could not imagine:

I cannot imagine the trauma that this may have caused Ms Crabal and in particular the children…14

[52] When drafting affidavits, practitioners should consider whether the evidence contained in the affidavit will actually add some strength to the case of their client. Evidence does not become stronger just because the party tells someone else who then faithfully repeats it all in an affidavit.

[53] It should be clear that the opinion of an interested party about a situation is usually not relevant, and if evidence is not relevant it is not admissible. Irrelevant evidence will not be saved even by the most generous interpretation of s.69ZT of the Family Law Act 1975."

 

 

 


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Perceptions and Stories

Eric and Fran are in conflict.

They've always had a hard time working together, but lately the frustration and tension has spilled over to colleagues and family members on each side.

Fran catches you first, her story emerging in messy, manic detail. Eric, she claims, is acting unreasonably. He is incompetent and he is being childish.You know you are only hearing Fran's side of things, but still, you have a hard time imagining how Eric could explain his behaviour. It seems inexcusable, and you tell Fran she is right to be so upset.

Eric calls you later that day. He says he doesn't want to speak ill of Fran, but demands that you hear his version of what happened. You listen, as Eric describes what "really happened, " and you soon find yourself confused. Eric, it seems, is the real victim here. You try to resist the urge to take Eric's side, but give in: "you are right to be so upset, you tell him.

Moments later, you get an email from a mutual friend, who asks if you know anything about what is going on between Eric and Fran. " I've spoken to both of them," you write, and then realize that you simply haven't figured out how to reconcile what you've heard so far. You know both Fran and Eric well enough to know that neither is lying, or even intentionally shading the truth.And yet their descriptions of the dispute could not be more different.

The Brain as a Story-Based System

What's going on? Artificial intelligence researcher Roger Schank puts it well: "Human memory is story-based." Far from simply reflecting or recording reality, our minds engage in a complex interplay between what we perceive and what we already know, unconsciously adding and deleting information in the service of the story. Disputes occur when the stories we tell about what's happening-who's right,what's fair, who's to blame-diverge.Each side retreats to their own narrative which describes their experience of "reality," and the dispute intensifies.

Extracted from Heen & Stone" Perceptions and Stories"; The Negotiator's Fieldbook at p 343.