"The Green Prince": There are (at least) two sides to every story OR It's all about your perspective

Have you heard of the movie, "The Green Prince"?  I hadn't until friends invited us to a Saturday showing at the Schonell Theatre yesterday.


The film is a scripted documentary.  The main "characters" are Palestinian, Mosab Hassan Yousef and Israeli, Gonen.  Mosab is the eldest and most dutiful son of a senior and influential figure in the zealously anti-Israeli Hamas.  Gonen, on the other hand, is an Israeli  secret service operative in the ruthless anti-Palestinian Shin Bet, with a background including psychology.


Under the carefully manipulative influence of Gonen, Mosab is transformed.  At 17 he is angry and hell bent on avenging what he perceives to be the unjust and cruel targeting and repetitive jailing of his much loved and respected father by Israeli forces. A stint in prison, however, showed him first hand how Hamas members in prison committed greater atrocities on their own with less justification in his view than the Israelis. Over time he came to see the basis of Hamas's terror tactics in Israel as flawed and even his father as one-eyed and not amenable to reason.


Not only did  Mosab become  a highly prized informant for the Israelis by virtue of his close association with his father as his trusted advisor and assistant, but he and Gonen developed a relationship based on genuine trust and affection - to the extent that they demonstrated extreme loyalty towards each other in the face of great risk of harm or even death at the hands of zealously single-minded individuals in both Shin Bet and Hamas.


Was Mosab a selfish person who worked for the Israelis to save his own skin or did he undergo a true moral awakening in the face of the deaths of so many Israeli citizens at the hands of suicide bombings and other violent tactics orchestrated by Hamas?


How is it he was able to betray (according to his upbringing and his nationality) his father and his kinsmen?  Was it in fact betrayal or did he believe that if he could help stop the violence perpetrated by Hamas then there might be a better world for Israeli and Palestinian alike?


What about Gonen?  Did he really connect with Mosab at a human level, or was Mosab no more than a much valued prize pawn in the fight against Hamas?


Talk about 50 shades of grey: I'm thinking that in this situation 50 might be an underestimation!


Are there any similarities or learnings here for us to take into dispute resolution for separating couples, disputing workers, extended families in crisis?


Methinks there is always more than one story to hear and that there are also many ways to view each story.  When in doubt, don't judge.  Listen, listen and keep listening and potential solutions will usually emerge under the guidance of a skilled and sensitive mediator.     

It's NOT "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" for some

It's NOT "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" for some.

While most of us are caught up in last minute gift shopping and wrapping, planning food for Christmas Day and packing for time away at the beach or other haunts, others are doing it tough.


Some have been given notice that their jobs will not be continuing in the new year, some are feeling dread at the prospect of unimpeded time "relaxing" with a partner they scarcely have time to chat to most of the year and yet others are dealing with recent losses or reliving past ones.


At Brisbane Mediations, we know that all is not always as it seems in people's lives. In keeping with the generous spirit of Christmas, we should all spare a moment to check on the people next door, ring the relative who lives alone and has not been in touch for a while, reach out to friends and above all else appreciate and hug our loved ones.


We hope all our followers have a wonderful, safe and restorative Christmas and New Year and that you share your good things. If you are one of those who is struggling, hang in there.  In dark times, Christmas is like that moment just before the dawn.  If you see it out, a fresh new year will make things look very different and, with the right support, you can start making the changes needed in your life.


Merry Christmas!


Denise, Mike, Krystina, Joanne and the Mediation Team

Round the Table with Mike

Mediation Matters

Round the Table with Mike will be held again tomorrow 3 April 2013 at the Brisbane Mediations Dispute Resolution Centre, level 8, 225 Wickham Terrace Brisbane from 4pm to 6pm.

Round the Table with Mike provides an opportunity for individuals to meet and talk with a mediator about any aspect of mediation without any  charge or obligation.

Round the Table with Mike takes place on the first and third Wednesdays of each month.

The opportunity exists to meet with a mediator privately or as part of a group to learn more about the mediation process and the advantages of mediation.

More and more parties are learning about the benefits of mediation particularly in avoiding the cost and stress of litigation and the inevitable delays that are part of the court process.

Members of the public are encouraged to drop in anytime between 4pm and 6pm on Wednesday to chat informally with one of our mediators.

While there is no need to book, parties are encouraged to call our manager Joanne McDonald on 3839 7400 to notify of intention to come and to have any preliminary issues clarified.

Brisbane Mediations has over 30 panel members who are able to convene a mediation at short notice to resolve conflict in any field.

For more information we encourage you to look at our website  http://www.brisbanemediations.com.au

We look forward to answering your questions and assisting you.

Book your April mediations now

PEACE TALKS

Easter is coming and mediation services will be closed for several days from Good Friday, 29 March.

Are you in dispute over separation issues - parenting or property - or do you want to sort out workplace or estate conflict?

We are always happy to facilitate resolution of disputes in a timely and cost effective way.  Let us show you how to draw a line in the sand so that you can get on with enjoying life in this wonderful country of ours.

Why delay?  Joanne would like to book your intake session or mediation.

Mediate and say GOODBYE to bitterness and conflict and HELLO to a new start! 

Our new website has gone live!!

Our sleeves have been rolled up over the last couple of months whilst developing the new Brisbane Mediations website. 


We are very proud and excited to advise the time has now come and we are running live. 

Please accept our invitation to click on the following link and discover all that Brisbane Mediations encompasses and offers: www.brisbanemediations.com.au 


Let us know what you think and if there are any areas that particularly interest you. We would love to receive your feedback either by email on resolve@brisbanemediations.com.au or by phone 07 3839 7400.


Brisbane Mediations has over 30 specialist mediators including many registered Family Dispute Resolution Practitioners on its panel ready to help your clients discuss issues, look at options and work out how best to reach agreement in disputes relating to relationships, financial, workplace, organisational and child-inclusive mediations. Unlike some other agencies, at Brisbane Mediations we welcome the participation of lawyers in our process. 


Our purpose built rooms allow mediations to be conducted in a relaxed non-threatening environment. 


Let Brisbane Mediations do all the footwork for you- call us on 07 3839 7400 or email resolve@brisbanemediations.com.au 

Don't involve your adolescents in your post separation disputes

Separated and disputing parents of adolescent children need to guard against imparting any (even unintentional) encouragement to their children to take their side against the other parent. Teenagers already have their own developmental issues to deal with - for example, finding a way to individuate from parents whilst still maintaining close attachments, pursuing serious educational and career goals, developing adult type relationships and establishing their own identity in the world. They should be relieved of any explicit or implicit onus to align themselves with one parent or the other. Parents who alienate their adolescents against the other parent do so at both their children's and their own peril. There is a risk to the mental health of the adolescent and to the later relationship between the alienating parent and the alienated child. Denise Britton, Co-Principal Brisbane Mediations

Mediating relationship disputes involving small property pools

Property settlements involving small pools are often among the hardest disputes to mediate.

The "pool" is the term lawyers use to describe the net value of the property arising from the relationship after deducting the liabilities.

The mediator must of course recognise that even a very modest pool is important to the parties.A problem that can arise is the proportion that the legal costs of the parties bears to the total size of the pool if the dispute is not resolved at mediation and has to go to court.

Regardless of the small size of the pool, the emotional issues between the parties can be just as intense and sometimes more so, with an additional layer of anger arising from a party having to move on from a low asset base.

If the matter has to proceed to court, then it must go through the same steps and stages as a more complex dispute and consequently the legal costs will still be significant, further depleting the already small pool.

The difficulty for the mediator is that he or she may know that it does not make sense for the matter to go to court, however unfortunately the disputing parties may be driven by emotion rather than logic.Regardless of the legal costs that may flow from proceeding to court, pride, emotional pain or wanting to rectify a past wrong may come between a party and settlement, with one or other or both parties refusing to compromise.This is not of course to suggest that one party should compromise for the sake of it where the other party is being totally unreasonable, however if the gap between them narrows to the point where settlement is possible then potential costs should become an issue.

The mediator can only point out the importance of trying to reach a resolution to preserve as much as possible of the pool for the parties.The mediator can feel additional pressure in these circumstances to help the parties achieve a resolution in their own interest, and feel disappointment if not successful.

Sometimes where parties are clearly acting emotionally rather than logically, the answer may lie in referring them to counselling to deal with their emotional issues before attending or returning to mediation and sense may eventually prevail with a settlement being reached before significant costs accrue.

Ultimately however it is the parties' dispute and if a resolution is not achievable then court with consequent costs may unfortunately result.

Mike Emerson

Children's contact with Grandparents

Contact between Children and Grandparents

The 2006 reforms to the Family Law Act recognised the right of children to spend time and communicate on a regular basis not only with both their parents but other people significant to their care, welfare and development such as grandparents, except where it would be contrary to the child's best interests to do so.

The changes were introduced in acknowledgement of the important role that grandparents can play in the child's life and to address the scenario where grandparents were often cut out of their grandchildren's lives after the parents of the grandchild separated or divorced.Grandparents are given specific authority to apply for a parenting order under section 65C of the Family Law Act.

In deciding whether to make a particular parenting order in relation to a child, the court must regard the best interests of the child as the paramount consideration.

In determining what is in the child's best interests the court must, along with other factors, consider the following:

i) The likely effect of any changes in the child's circumstances, including the likely effect on the child of any separation from any grandparent with whom they have been living;

ii) The capacity of any other person, including any grandparent, to provide for the needs of the child including emotional and intellectual needs.

It is not always necessary for grandparents to go to court to secure contact and an ongoing relationship with their grandchildren.If they are unable to resolve their differences directly with the child's parents, grandparents should first consider mediation as an avenue for resolving the dispute without the cost and stress and inevitable damage to relationships that court proceedings usually entail.

This is especially important where there is a need for an ongoing relationship.

If a mediation is not successful however, grandparents may need to consider court action as a last resort.

Mediation and Relationships

One of the advantages of Mediation is that it is less likely to harm on-going relationships than litigation. This is particularly important where people in dispute need to maintain an ongoing relationship - commercial arrangements between suppliers and customers; parenting relationships between separated parents who have parenting responsibilities to fulfil; or working relationships between co-workers who have clashed in the workplace.
Mediation is a process where disputing parties enlist the assistance of a neutral person (the mediator) to help identify issues in dispute and explore options and alternatives to reach an agreement that will accommodate their respective needs.
Litigation on the other hand involves parties using courts to review opposing factual versions of disputes and provide a decision based on the evidence provided by each side (in their affidavits or stories) of the dispute. The decision almost always effectively endorses one view of a case and rejects the other and often costs are awarded to the successful party, effectively punishing the other.
Litigation by its very nature highlights and accentuates differences – as presented in affidavits and as each counsel cross examines the other party to expose weaknesses in their version of events. Mediation , on the other hand, looks for common ground and strives for agreement.
Litigation encourages a winner take all approach whereas Mediation looks for a win/win outcome.
Considerable damage can be done to on-going personal relationships (for example, between parents or between beneficiaries under a will) where one person, in seeking to have his or her version accepted, has to try to destroy the other person’s case. Similarly, in the commercial field, time in court is highly unlikely to engender an ongoing relationship - particularly when at the end of the day one party is the victor and the other the vanquished, left to pick up the pieces.
When a result is imposed by a court, one party may leave the court room happy and the other disgruntled and bitter. Evidence given during the trial has most likely eroded the previous relationship even more and increased the chance that these two parties will struggle indefinitely to relate into the future –personally or commercially as the case may be.
At Mediation , however, seemingly warring parties often shake hands or communicate in a genial manner at the end of the day, with a copy of the signed agreement in hand as they head off. A result has been reached by consensus rather than by the imposition of a decision by a stranger. Dignity has been maintained and the vestiges of a relationship remain intact with a chance of enrichment in the future. In the commercial arena there is every chance that the parties will continue their mutually beneficial relationship, particularly where they have found a solution which ultimately takes account of and accommodates the needs (often different from the wants) of each.
It is easy to see why Mediation is often said to involve a saving, not only in material costs, but also in costs to relationships.

Mike Emerson

Co-Principal Brisbane Mediations

Lawyers and Family Mediation - Bridging the Divide

The Legalwise Family Law Conference was held in Vietnam recently and Brisbane Mediations principal, Mike Emerson presented the following paper titled Lawyers and Family Mediation - Bridging the Divide
http://bit.ly/rm1J8Y

Mediation - around the table or in separate rooms?

People attending mediations often say they are nervous about sitting in the same room as the other party and ask about mediating from separate rooms or via a "shuttle" process.

In the majority of cases, even where there is considerable tension between the parties, I encourage them to at least commence their mediation around the one table.

The reasons include the following:

In my experience, it is generally beneficial to the mediation process for the parties to hear each other's concerns and issues directly;

They can each be more confident that the other party has in fact heard them;

They each hear an unabridged version of the other's views and not what the mediator has paraphrased;

By "breaking the ice" between parties who may not have spoken directly to each other for some time, the opportunity arises in many instances for some helpful discussion;

Brainstorming of options can be facilitated more effectively when the parties are in the same room;

Having a mediator or mediators present provides a safe environment in which to set the scene for an ongoing relationship between the parties (for example, when co-parenting after separation or divorce or needing to continue as colleagues in the workplace);

Some release of negative emotion is more likely if both parties are in the same room and when managed by a skilled and sensitive mediator this will often clear the way for more helpful and productive negotiation of solutions;

There is less chance of parties becoming suspicious about an alliance forming between the mediator and the other party;

The mediator's time is saved as he or she does not need to run between rooms and parties from the outset of the mediation;

If either party finds it too difficult to remain in the same room as the other party then it is a simple matter to change to shuttle mode at any time;

Parties are often most grateful for the opportunity to deal directly with the other party, whilst being supported by an even handed process.

Denise Britton
Co-Principal Brisbane Mediations

The Counsellor's Role in Family Law Disputes

Brisbane Mediations: http://bit.ly/kinWBP

The do's and don'ts of Mediation

The Do's and Don'ts of Mediation
http://bit.ly/m0EsAT

Binding Financial Agreements

Latest developments in Binding Financial Agreements for marriages and de facto relationships.
http://bit.ly/mAdWyA

Family and domestic violence: Will broadening the Family Law Act definition improve outcomes for children?

The Federal Government has proposed changes to the Family Law Act in the wake of the wide ranging 2006 amendments of the previous government.

Those of us "at the coalface" of family law disputes have seen dramatic changes in residential and childcare arrangements for separated families over the past ten to fifteen years.

The "standard" litigated outcome previously involved children living with their mothers and seeing fathers every second weekend and for two or three weeks of their school holidays. It is now so common as to represent something of a "new standard", for children to share their time between their parents on a much more equitable if not equal basis. Many large and small employers in both private and public sectors have moved with the times and made it possible for parents of both sexes to accommodate shared care through flexible work arrangements, the Courts took to the concept of "shared parental responsibility" as well as "equal shared care" with gusto and even parents with reservations about the advisability of such arrangements for their children decided they had best consider them.

For a large number of children these more equitable arrangements have improved their relationships with their fathers in particular and we would hope that they have benefited with improved self esteem and healthier psychological development more closely approximating that of children from intact families.

We are told, however, that others have in fact been exposed to unprecedented levels of conflict and even violence between their parents as a result of the greater need for these people to negotiate parenting issues and to attempt to cooperate in decision making regarding their children.

Despite the onus on judicial officers under the 2006 amendments to consider any claims of domestic and family violence before making parenting orders, advocates of the proposed amendments say there needs to be a broader definition which is expressed in terms of all activities which "coerce and control" and which cause children or parents to be fearful.

The proposed legislation is in line with research which distinguishes between various types of family and domestic violence. Coercive and Controlling violence (Kelly and Jackson, 2008; Stark, 2007) is seen as the most dangerous form for victims. This type of violence is most often used by males against females and involves intimidation through emotional, economic and physical abuse, isolation, use of children, asserting privilege and use of threats. When physical violence exists in this form of abuse, it is more severe and serious injury, death and/or sexual violence are more common than with other forms of violence.

The challenge for the lawmakers and the courts is to differentiate between the various forms of violence which too commonly occur in the context of intimate personal relationships between parents. Situational Couple Violence and Separation Instigated Violence, for instance, are less lethal, less likely to continue after separation, as likely to be instigated by females as males and more likely to be the result of acute frustration and tension around specific issues, including separation. Unlike Coercive Controlling Violence, they are thought to not be motivated by the overarching desire of one party to control the other and will most likely not involve escalating and potentially lethal tactics.(Kelly and Johnson, 2008)

If the proposed Family Law Act amendments are passed, are we likely to see an increase in false claims of family and domestic violence by parties looking to achieve ends such as relocation with children? Or will children and parents at the mercy of chronically coercive and controlling parties actually receive greater protection and if so, are errors in which innocent parents are denied time with their children just "collateral damage", necessary in order to protect those in real need?

No matter what legislation is passed, the question has to be asked, "Is there any better way of protecting children than considering every case on its merits?" It is argued here that The best interests of the child should remain the elusive driver for social scientist evaluators, independent children's lawyers, mediators and judicial officers alike as we all attempt to ensure that every child has the greatest chance possible of achieving their potential, whilst also remaining safe.

Denise Britton
Co-Principal Brisbane Mediations

References:

1.Kelly, J and Johnson, M (2008). Differentiation among different types of intimate partner violence. Family Court Review, vol 46, no 3, pp 476-499.

2.Stark, E (2007). Coercive control: The entrapment of women in personal life. New York: Oxford University Press.

Don't involve your adolescents in your post separation disputes

Separated and disputing parents of adolescent children need to guard against imparting any (even unintentional) encouragement to their children to take their side against the other parent. Teenagers already have their own developmental issues to deal with - for example, finding a way to individuate from parents whilst still maintaining close attachments, pursuing serious educational and career goals, developing adult type relationships and establishing their own identity in the world. They should be relieved of any explicit or implicit onus to align themselves with one parent or the other. Parents who alienate their adolescents against the other parent do so at both their children's and their own peril. There is a risk to the mental health of the adolescent and to the later relationship between the alienating parent and the alienated child. Denise Britton, Co-Principal Brisbane Mediations

The Tragedy of Darcey Freeman

The tragic case of Darcey Freeman – the little girl who was thrown off the Westgate Bridge on 29 January 2009 - shocked a nation of people who are no longer easy to shock. Darcey tugs at all of our hearts. We all know a potential “Darcey”. She was real. She deserved a chance at life. She was let down: - By someone she loved and trusted and who should have been there to protect her; by our legal systems; by our social networks; and in some way by each of us. News reports indicate that five out of six psychiatrists attributed Darcey’s needless death to factors other than mental illness and at least one of these five to probable pre-meditated spousal revenge. We are told that threats were made to her mother – that she would “pay” and that she would not see her children again. What can we do to prevent more vulnerable little children like Darcey from meeting such a horrible and unfathomable fate? It is vital to spread the message that there are ways of resolving disputes which allow everybody – the mother, the father and especially the children - to move on from family breakdown and to have full and meaningful lives. http://bit.ly/fwztoB

The Tragedy of Darcey Freeman

The tragic case of Darcey Freeman – the little girl who was thrown off the Westgate Bridge on 29 January 2009 - shocked a nation of people who are no longer easy to shock. Darcey tugs at all of our hearts. We all know a potential “Darcey”. She was real. She deserved a chance at life. She was let down: - By someone she loved and trusted and who should have been there to protect her; by our legal systems; by our social networks; and in some way by each of us. News reports indicate that five out of six psychiatrists attributed Darcey’s needless death to factors other than mental illness and at least one of these five to probable pre-meditated spousal revenge. We are told that threats were made to her mother – that she would “pay” and that she would not see her children again. What can we do to prevent more vulnerable little children like Darcey from meeting such a horrible and unfathomable fate? It is vital to spread the message that there are ways of resolving disputes which allow everybody – the mother, the father and especially the children - to move on from family breakdown and to have full and meaningful lives. http://bit.ly/fwztoB