Do you want to damage your children post separation?

It’s a stupid question isn’t it. Of course you don’t! Unfortunately, however, where there is extreme bitterness between you and the other parent of your children, you may both be harming the kids unwittingly.

There are many reasons why separation and divorce can be so difficult for kids and tricky for even the most switched on and sensitive parents - and you are sure to be one of these. We will deal with some these reasons in more depth another time.

For the moment let’s just say that it is difficult to remain positive and child focused when you have just separated, when your ex is behaving badly or when you are dealing with multiple other stress factors at the same time as your separation.

One of the few incontrovertible truths that we KNOW about the effect of separation and divorce on kids is that they cope least well with all the necessary change if they are also aware of a high level of conflict between their parents.

My top three tips to protect the kids as well as you are: -

1. Get some professional support early on - before things get too tough or out of hand - from a psychologist or social worker familiar with the issues faced by adults and children when parents separate. Don't be afraid to look at ways you can change your behaviour to assist the children. For instance, if you are the one who feels you were "left" then crying non-stop and causing the children to feel responsible for your happiness is going to make their already huge task of adjusting to the changes in their lives even more difficult. You need to seek help to deal with your grief yourself and to find a way to "move on".
2. If things are really tough between you and your ex then try communicating only in writing and also aim to ensure that the children are not around when the two of you are in the same place at the same time or communicating with each other.  Try having all the changeovers of care at school, daycare or another neutral environment. This is called Parallel Parenting and can be a good way of getting through the early stages of separation or even longer terms if the communicant difficulties between parents do not settle down over time.
3. When dealing with parenting issues in writing, if your ex is unreasonable, dominating, abusive or demanding, follow the wonderfully effective BIFF* approach. That is, make all written communication by email, text or letter: -

• Brief;
• Informative;
• Friendly; and
• Firm 

This technique will allow you to regain some sense of control in an otherwise toxic situation and should assist in shutting down abusive correspondence.

Finally, always remember to write as if your correspondence is going to be read by a Judge deciding the future of your children - even if you have no intentions of going anywhere near a courtroom (which you will hopefully be able to avoid). This is a really good trick for making sure that your emotions take second place to the needs to the children.

Denise Britton - Peace Talks

*BIFF: Quick response to High Conflict People, Their hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns, Second edition, by William A Eddy, LCSW, Esq.; 2011, 2104

20 Reasons To Choose Us For Your Mediation – the ultimate being No. 20

20 Reasons To Choose Brisbane Mediations – the ultimate being No. 20

1.     All our Mediators are highly qualified and experienced 

2.     You choose the mediator you want

3.     Faster solutions

4.     Cheaper than litigation

5.     You retain control

6.     Nobody decides for you

7.     Less destructive to relationships

8.     Less formal than Court

9.     Workable with or without lawyers

10.  Confidential to the extent allowed by law

11.  Can be terminated or suspended at any time

12.  Can be reconvened at any time

13.  More or less interactive - either "around the table" or "shuttle" (separate rooms)

14.  One or more mediators as required

15.  Can include expert opinion if agreed

16.  Mediator's skills matched to issues at hand and complexity of dispute

17.  Suitable in a wide range of disputes contexts

18.  Promotes ongoing cooperation between parties

19.  Any dispute, any time with any mediator you choose

20.  Assists you to leave the past in the past and move on sooner and in better shape

New Queensland Domestic Violence Act

The new Queensland Domestic and Family Violence Protection Act takes effect on 17 September 2012.It was the last legislative Act of the Bligh government.

In the second reading speech on the legislation, the then Minister for Community Services and Housing and Minister for Women, the Hon Karen Struthers stated inter alia :

"The definition of domestic violence included in the bill is wider than the definition in the current domestic violence laws.It includes behaviour that is physically or sexually abusive; emotionally, psychologically or economically abusive; threatening or coercive; or behaviour that in any other way controls or dominates another person causing fear.  By including this wider definition, the breadth of behaviours used to control and dominate in a relationship characterised by domestic violence will be captured.  This means that police, magistrates, lawyers and members of the public will be more readily able to identify situations where domestic violence has occurred.  This change is consistent with the views expressed during consultation and with the recommendations made by the Australian Law Reform Commission in its report FamilyViolence - a national legal response released in November 2010."

Mediators will need to be aware of the changes to Domestic Violence Legislation.