Do you want to damage your children post separation?

It’s a stupid question isn’t it. Of course you don’t! Unfortunately, however, where there is extreme bitterness between you and the other parent of your children, you may both be harming the kids unwittingly.

There are many reasons why separation and divorce can be so difficult for kids and tricky for even the most switched on and sensitive parents - and you are sure to be one of these. We will deal with some these reasons in more depth another time.

For the moment let’s just say that it is difficult to remain positive and child focused when you have just separated, when your ex is behaving badly or when you are dealing with multiple other stress factors at the same time as your separation.

One of the few incontrovertible truths that we KNOW about the effect of separation and divorce on kids is that they cope least well with all the necessary change if they are also aware of a high level of conflict between their parents.

My top three tips to protect the kids as well as you are: -

1. Get some professional support early on - before things get too tough or out of hand - from a psychologist or social worker familiar with the issues faced by adults and children when parents separate. Don't be afraid to look at ways you can change your behaviour to assist the children. For instance, if you are the one who feels you were "left" then crying non-stop and causing the children to feel responsible for your happiness is going to make their already huge task of adjusting to the changes in their lives even more difficult. You need to seek help to deal with your grief yourself and to find a way to "move on".
2. If things are really tough between you and your ex then try communicating only in writing and also aim to ensure that the children are not around when the two of you are in the same place at the same time or communicating with each other.  Try having all the changeovers of care at school, daycare or another neutral environment. This is called Parallel Parenting and can be a good way of getting through the early stages of separation or even longer terms if the communicant difficulties between parents do not settle down over time.
3. When dealing with parenting issues in writing, if your ex is unreasonable, dominating, abusive or demanding, follow the wonderfully effective BIFF* approach. That is, make all written communication by email, text or letter: -

• Brief;
• Informative;
• Friendly; and
• Firm 

This technique will allow you to regain some sense of control in an otherwise toxic situation and should assist in shutting down abusive correspondence.

Finally, always remember to write as if your correspondence is going to be read by a Judge deciding the future of your children - even if you have no intentions of going anywhere near a courtroom (which you will hopefully be able to avoid). This is a really good trick for making sure that your emotions take second place to the needs to the children.

Denise Britton - Peace Talks

*BIFF: Quick response to High Conflict People, Their hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns, Second edition, by William A Eddy, LCSW, Esq.; 2011, 2104

Children’s Adjustment to Repartnering of Parents

When separated parents re-partner, their children react in a range of ways- some healthy and others destructive.

Each child’s unique grief reaction and adjustment to their parent’s separation should be considered before introducing them to even the idea of new partners.

After separation, it is most important to maintain open communication between children and parents. Whilst being as honest as possible with them, however, parents should not expect their children to instantly applaud or even accept a decision to re-partner, especially if the other parent sees the new partner as responsible for the end of the parents’ relationship. Similarly, children should not be expected to immediately treat a parent’s new partner as a parental figure.

If expected to cope with such a major change prematurely, there is a risk that children will recoil from or even refuse a relationship with the re-partnering parent and that they will align themselves-sometimes exclusively- with the other parent.

The good news is that given time and sensitive support, most children adapt to new parenting situations, including quite complex blended families in more than one household. The key to success is to introduce such changes at the child’s pace, with support, and with sensitivity.

As children are treated with respect by new partners, trust can grow and relationships independent of either parent will hopefully develop. This process cannot be forced and relies on the maturity and patience of the re-parenting parent, step-parent and, of course the other parent.