Don't involve teens in post-separation disputes

Separated and disputing parents of adolescent children need to guard against imparting any (even unintentional) encouragement to their children to take their side against the other parent. Teenagers already have their own developmental issues to deal with - for example, finding a way to individuate from parents whilst still maintaining close attachments, pursuing serious educational and career goals, developing adult type relationships and establishing their own identity in the world. They should be relieved of any explicit or implicit onus to align themselves with one parent or the other. Parents who alienate their adolescents against the other parent do so at both their children's and their own peril. There is a risk to the mental health of the adolescent and to the later relationship between the alienating parent and the alienated child.

Denise Britton, Co-Principal Brisbane Mediations

Do you want to damage your children post separation?

It’s a stupid question isn’t it. Of course you don’t! Unfortunately, however, where there is extreme bitterness between you and the other parent of your children, you may both be harming the kids unwittingly.

There are many reasons why separation and divorce can be so difficult for kids and tricky for even the most switched on and sensitive parents - and you are sure to be one of these. We will deal with some these reasons in more depth another time.

For the moment let’s just say that it is difficult to remain positive and child focused when you have just separated, when your ex is behaving badly or when you are dealing with multiple other stress factors at the same time as your separation.

One of the few incontrovertible truths that we KNOW about the effect of separation and divorce on kids is that they cope least well with all the necessary change if they are also aware of a high level of conflict between their parents.

My top three tips to protect the kids as well as you are: -

1. Get some professional support early on - before things get too tough or out of hand - from a psychologist or social worker familiar with the issues faced by adults and children when parents separate. Don't be afraid to look at ways you can change your behaviour to assist the children. For instance, if you are the one who feels you were "left" then crying non-stop and causing the children to feel responsible for your happiness is going to make their already huge task of adjusting to the changes in their lives even more difficult. You need to seek help to deal with your grief yourself and to find a way to "move on".
2. If things are really tough between you and your ex then try communicating only in writing and also aim to ensure that the children are not around when the two of you are in the same place at the same time or communicating with each other.  Try having all the changeovers of care at school, daycare or another neutral environment. This is called Parallel Parenting and can be a good way of getting through the early stages of separation or even longer terms if the communicant difficulties between parents do not settle down over time.
3. When dealing with parenting issues in writing, if your ex is unreasonable, dominating, abusive or demanding, follow the wonderfully effective BIFF* approach. That is, make all written communication by email, text or letter: -

• Brief;
• Informative;
• Friendly; and
• Firm 

This technique will allow you to regain some sense of control in an otherwise toxic situation and should assist in shutting down abusive correspondence.

Finally, always remember to write as if your correspondence is going to be read by a Judge deciding the future of your children - even if you have no intentions of going anywhere near a courtroom (which you will hopefully be able to avoid). This is a really good trick for making sure that your emotions take second place to the needs to the children.

Denise Britton - Peace Talks

*BIFF: Quick response to High Conflict People, Their hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns, Second edition, by William A Eddy, LCSW, Esq.; 2011, 2104

SEPARATED PARENTS WHO LOVE THEIR CHILDREN BUT CAN’T AGREE

Parents who love their children will always put their children first. Won't they?

What if they are separated and don't like each other very much? That shouldn't make a difference should it?

What if they both think they are putting their children first, but disagree on what represents best parenting in a particular situation?

I’m reminded of a separated couple who disagreed on what school their little girl should attend, with the outcome that each tried to enroll her at a different school and the schools quite properly both refused to accept the enrolments because the parents had "equal shared parental responsibility" for their child so needed to agree on this issue.  Ultimately, the Family Court had to decide where their daughter would attend Prep.

The problem for this little girl was that she missed that exciting first day of school that many of us remember well into adulthood. She started school ten days late without friends she had made at daycare. 

Unless separated parents are able to develop strategies to assist them in co-parenting their children, the children's futures risk being fraught with difficulties and they may suffer negative psychological impacts.

Help is at hand in the form of post separation parent training programs and child focused mediation to assist parents caught in the blaming culture of separation conflict to accept their separated status and responsibilities as parents and to move on in a cooperative manner - even if for no other reason than to give their children the best possible chance of growing up as healthy adults who achieve their full potential.

Mike Emerson, Mediator

For further information regarding our mediation services call 07 3839 7400 or email resolve@brisbanemediaitons.com.au

Brexit and Other Matters!

One of the little pleasures of travelling is the opportunity to read the newspapers of a destination country over a coffee (or two)

Recent happenings in the UK have made for very interesting reading. Every day the papers have provided new angles and reactions to the Brexit crisis and the turmoil presently engulfing both major political parties. The only thing that is crystal clear is that the fallout will continue as the nation comes to grip with an outcome which it seems even the strongest advocates of the Leave campaign were not expecting.

Life outside politics goes on however and while perusing The Times this morning, I came across this little piece which may be of interest to family lawyers back home:

" Divorce lawyer warns of spouses on spending sprees

Older people going through divorce have been warned of a growing tendency of one spouse to go on a spending spree.

James Skinner, of Simpson Millar solicitors,said that several clients had complained  about the sudden reckless spending habits of their spouse.  People should guard joint bank accounts in the early stages of divorce in case one party squanders shared funds on " fast women, slow horses and expensive holidays".

Last year a judge told a wife divorcing after 40 years that she should have known her husband's flawed character and kept a closer eye on their finances, Mr Skinner said. " Once the money is gone, it's gone. That's the position of the family courts. Some might see that as a green light to squander shared fortunes. "

Sound advice indeed from Mr Skinner!

Expectations and Mediation

When you come to mediation, your chances of success are greater if you have realistic expectations about what you can achieve. 

Part of your lawyer’s responsibility is to prepare you by advising of any shortcomings in your case and any risks you face should you not reach agreement and end up in court. 

Part of this involves your lawyer being familiar with previous Court decisions in similar situations to yours and considering those decisions in the light of the facts of your case. 

As with life generally, your lawyer will serve you best if he or she under-promises and over-delivers rather than over-promising and under-delivering. 

Hopefully, when you get to mediation you will have a realistic idea of the range of offers that will be open to you to accept - providing of course that the other party is also properly prepared and puts forward realistic offers. 

 Your Mediator will help by emphasizing the uncertainty of court, the high costs that you will face if you pursue a court outcome and the delays you will face. The Mediator may also advise you of the possibility of an appeal by the other party if the court decision is considered unduly favourable to you. The Mediator is also likely to draw your attention to the stress of court, the damage to relationships and the lost opportunity associated with court proceedings.   After all, life is what happens while you are waiting for your trial. 

Why is all this stuff about reality and expectations so important? Quite simply, if your expectations are too high any lower offer of settlement is likely to be seen by you as a “loss” and you will be more likely to proceed to court.  Loss aversion is what I think the psychologists call it. 

 On the other hand, if you come to the mediation equipped with a good dose of reality, then providing the offers made are also realistic, you are more likely to see any proposed settlement as a “win” and take advantage of it. 

The bottom line is that there are few if any winners at court and if we can increase your chances of settling and you carry through, you will have done yourself a favour. 

Don’t risk court. It’s not worth it. Avoid the costs, stress, delays, wasted opportunities and damage to relationships that come with court proceedings.  

Contact us at Brisbane Mediations resolve@brisbanemedations.com.au or visit our website www.brisbanemediations.com.au for further details.