SEPARATED PARENTS WHO LOVE THEIR CHILDREN BUT CAN’T AGREE

Parents who love their children will always put their children first. Won't they?

What if they are separated and don't like each other very much? That shouldn't make a difference should it?

What if they both think they are putting their children first, but disagree on what represents best parenting in a particular situation?

I’m reminded of a separated couple who disagreed on what school their little girl should attend, with the outcome that each tried to enroll her at a different school and the schools quite properly both refused to accept the enrolments because the parents had "equal shared parental responsibility" for their child so needed to agree on this issue.  Ultimately, the Family Court had to decide where their daughter would attend Prep.

The problem for this little girl was that she missed that exciting first day of school that many of us remember well into adulthood. She started school ten days late without friends she had made at daycare. 

Unless separated parents are able to develop strategies to assist them in co-parenting their children, the children's futures risk being fraught with difficulties and they may suffer negative psychological impacts.

Help is at hand in the form of post separation parent training programs and child focused mediation to assist parents caught in the blaming culture of separation conflict to accept their separated status and responsibilities as parents and to move on in a cooperative manner - even if for no other reason than to give their children the best possible chance of growing up as healthy adults who achieve their full potential.

Mike Emerson, Mediator

For further information regarding our mediation services call 07 3839 7400 or email resolve@brisbanemediaitons.com.au

Brexit and Other Matters!

One of the little pleasures of travelling is the opportunity to read the newspapers of a destination country over a coffee (or two)

Recent happenings in the UK have made for very interesting reading. Every day the papers have provided new angles and reactions to the Brexit crisis and the turmoil presently engulfing both major political parties. The only thing that is crystal clear is that the fallout will continue as the nation comes to grip with an outcome which it seems even the strongest advocates of the Leave campaign were not expecting.

Life outside politics goes on however and while perusing The Times this morning, I came across this little piece which may be of interest to family lawyers back home:

" Divorce lawyer warns of spouses on spending sprees

Older people going through divorce have been warned of a growing tendency of one spouse to go on a spending spree.

James Skinner, of Simpson Millar solicitors,said that several clients had complained  about the sudden reckless spending habits of their spouse.  People should guard joint bank accounts in the early stages of divorce in case one party squanders shared funds on " fast women, slow horses and expensive holidays".

Last year a judge told a wife divorcing after 40 years that she should have known her husband's flawed character and kept a closer eye on their finances, Mr Skinner said. " Once the money is gone, it's gone. That's the position of the family courts. Some might see that as a green light to squander shared fortunes. "

Sound advice indeed from Mr Skinner!

Expectations and Mediation

When you come to mediation, your chances of success are greater if you have realistic expectations about what you can achieve. 

Part of your lawyer’s responsibility is to prepare you by advising of any shortcomings in your case and any risks you face should you not reach agreement and end up in court. 

Part of this involves your lawyer being familiar with previous Court decisions in similar situations to yours and considering those decisions in the light of the facts of your case. 

As with life generally, your lawyer will serve you best if he or she under-promises and over-delivers rather than over-promising and under-delivering. 

Hopefully, when you get to mediation you will have a realistic idea of the range of offers that will be open to you to accept - providing of course that the other party is also properly prepared and puts forward realistic offers. 

 Your Mediator will help by emphasizing the uncertainty of court, the high costs that you will face if you pursue a court outcome and the delays you will face. The Mediator may also advise you of the possibility of an appeal by the other party if the court decision is considered unduly favourable to you. The Mediator is also likely to draw your attention to the stress of court, the damage to relationships and the lost opportunity associated with court proceedings.   After all, life is what happens while you are waiting for your trial. 

Why is all this stuff about reality and expectations so important? Quite simply, if your expectations are too high any lower offer of settlement is likely to be seen by you as a “loss” and you will be more likely to proceed to court.  Loss aversion is what I think the psychologists call it. 

 On the other hand, if you come to the mediation equipped with a good dose of reality, then providing the offers made are also realistic, you are more likely to see any proposed settlement as a “win” and take advantage of it. 

The bottom line is that there are few if any winners at court and if we can increase your chances of settling and you carry through, you will have done yourself a favour. 

Don’t risk court. It’s not worth it. Avoid the costs, stress, delays, wasted opportunities and damage to relationships that come with court proceedings.  

Contact us at Brisbane Mediations resolve@brisbanemedations.com.au or visit our website www.brisbanemediations.com.au for further details.  

Beware the 'Sunk Cost Trap'

The ' Sunk Cost Trap' is a concept that interests me because it helps to explain behaviour that causes us to cling to something because of our investment of time, effort or money in it rather than to cut our losses and move on.

According to Investopedia, the 'Sunk Cost Trap' is the tendency of people to irrationally follow through on an activity that is not meeting their expectations because of the investment of time and/or money they have already spent on it.

Although an economic concept, the Sunk Cost Trap is also a psychological phenomena and applies to many aspects of life including dispute resolution. It causes individuals to stay the course or even invest more time and money in a bad decision or course of action in a futile effort to make their initial decision seem worthwhile.

In mediation, we often hear the plea that " I might as well go to court. I have nothing to lose as I have already spent $60,000 on it, why would I give up now". Of course, if it was the wrong decision in the first place then throwing more money or time at it will simply make it worse.

The rationale behind it is that we have a genuine interest in making our efforts worth our while and even if we consider our efforts, time or money spent to be in vain,we are reluctant to abandon them.

Somehow we believe that by continuing , we can recover sunk costs but the reality is that they are gone and we can't.

Similarly in life, it would be like persisting with an unfulfilling job just because we had invested so much time in it or a country persisting with a war so the lives already lost are not wasted.

Allowing ourselves to admit mistakes and move on is far better than entrenching ourselves in a situation just to save face.

The fact that we have already invested a lot in legal costs can never be a good reason for persisting in going to court if the better decision  in the circumstances is to cut our losses. Cutting our losses, means admitting that we have made a mistake  and we all find this hard to do but ultimately it may be the more productive decision.

For all inquiries about the benefits of Mediation phone us at Brisbane Mediations on 07) 38397400 or visit our website www.brisbanemediations.com.au. You will be pleased you did!!

Family and Relationships Mediation

Separation is never easy.   

Talking to your ex is especially difficult when you first split up. 

If you have kids there are lots of things to sort out. Both of you will want to stay close to the children and have a lot of involvement in their day to day lives, but it is often difficult to reach agreement because of all the hurt, pain and anger that is normal at the time of separation.

Even if you and your partner got along fairly well in the past, conversations about the kids and money can result in arguments.  In some cases, communication can completely break down, making it seem impossible to move forward. 

Mediation can help. 

What is Mediation?

At it’s simplest, mediation is a chat assisted by a neutral, independent and professional mediator - about the children, splitting up the assets and how you and the kids are going to manage financially.   

Mediators work with couples involved in family breakdown to help them communicate and agree on arrangements.

Mediators can help you reach agreement about how much time you are each going to have with the kids, how the assets are going to be split and lots of other things as well.

Mediation is designed to save you the cost and distress of having to go to Court.  The court process is expensive with long delays.   It is also highly stressful.  Naturally, it is to be avoided if at all possible. 

How does Mediation work?

Usually one member of the separating couple will decide he / she wants to mediate and their chosen mediation service can then invite the other person to mediate.

Each of you will first up attend an introductory session with the mediator to help you feel comfortable with the mediator and the process.  This session also helps the mediator to understand both sides of the story. 

Each intake normally takes one hour and the mediation itself will usually takes at least half a day.

Mediation provides an opportunity for each of you to put forward your point of view and to be heard by each other in a safe environment. Mediation can help you express feelings without this leading  to arguments, as the mediator will encourage both of you to listen quietly whilst the other is speaking.

The mediator  may, according to his or her training and experience, explain legal principles and possible court outcomes as well as the benefits or disadvantages of various options.

At the end of the mediation, if agreement is reached, the mediator will help you write up a document reflecting the agreement, or if lawyers are present, the lawyers will normally do this.

It is always your right at the end of a mediation to ask to receive legal advice (if your lawyer is not present) before you sign.  Most people who attend mediation do not, however, request this.

Mediation  is the preferred option to use when you split up as it encourages and enables you to maintain amicable relationships with each other into the future.  This is especially important when you have children to consider. After all, they will be your babies as long as you are alive! They want the two of you to be able to get along - at least to the extent needed to make them feel comfortable when they are around you both.

Contact us at Brisbane Mediations

EMAIL resolve@brisbanemediations.com.au

PHONE 07 3839 7400