"I'm leaving you....." Practical advice for getting out of a toxic relationship

It's a sad fact of the modern world that despite advances in mobility, equality and self-awareness, too many people are stuck in toxic relationships. And part of the reason for this, is that once you are in a controlling relationship, it's very difficult to know how to get out of it.

The most important thing you need to take on board if you are considering leaving is that leaving is a continuing and evolving process, involving many stage, NOT a single event. You need to have made some preparations before saying those words "I'm leaving you..."

Here are some practical points to consider if you know you're stuck but don't know what to do next:-

Safety

Assess your level of safety. Does your partner's controlling behaviour involve physical violence or aggression directed towards you? Even if violence has not been a problem in the past, feelings of anger and grief which can arise over a break up can trigger violence. Consider whether you need a support person with you, consider whether you are comfortable staying around once you have told your partner the relationship is over. And do all of this with your own personal safety forefront in your mind.

Support

It's likely your partner's controlling behaviour has resulted in your support networks being dwindles. You need to re-establish there so you have someone to talk to and people who will have your back if things get nasty. Do you have family and friends you can rely on? Do you neeed professonal support from a psychologist or therapist? Perhaps a meeting with a mediator to arrange mediation taunt in place parenting arrangements with your soon to be ex partner would be helpful. Think about what you are going to need, and take the first steps to get these support networks in place.

Set your path

Think about your short, medium and long term goals. Not easy when you have or are just bout to turn your life upside down, but this needs to be done and planning it out, either in your head, or getting it down on paper can help you to focus. For example, where are you going to live? If you have kids, what arrangements are you going to make for them? Are you planning to stay in the home and ask your partner to leave? Set your goals and start making plans, and remember to seek professional help if things get sticky. You can't do this alone.

So these are the practical steps you need to be thinking about if you are considering leaving. Tomorrow we'll focus on the emotional side of getting through this difficult period. We're not saying it's going to be easy, but with the right advice and the right support, you can do it.

Not all abuse is physical: 10 signs you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship

Nothing is more damaging to your confidence or self esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Emotional abuse can be subtle - sometimes so subtle, and so manipulative, you don't even know it's happening to you. It is easy to become to accustomed to a pattern of mistreatment, that you find ways of coping with it, and this can mean you are in denial about the fact that it is happening to you at all.

Verbal abuse, threatening behaviour, constant criticism, intimidation, shaming - any of these sound familiar to you?

Take a moment to think about you and your partner - here are 10 signs you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship:-

1. Your partner puts you down or humiliates you in front of other people;
2. Your partner accuses you of being "too sensitive";
3. Your partner corrects you all the time and treats you like a child;
4. Your partner does not show you any empathy or compassion;
5. Your partner does not notice or does not care about your feelings;
6. Your partner calls you names;
7. Your partner regularly points out your flaws and shortcomings;
8. Your partner makes you feel like they are always right and you are always wrong;
9. Your partner neglects you and makes you feel unwanted;
10. Your partner denies his or her controlling behaviour when confronted.

All relationships are different, and dynamics can vary from couple to couple, but don't make the mistake of reassuring yourself that any of the above behaviour is "normal". If any of the ten things in the list above are happening to you on a regular basis, then you are in a toxic relationship which may be damaging your health and wellbeing. Consider discussing these issues with your partner, or confiding in a close friend or family member. And look out for advice on dealing with toxic relationships in our series running all of this week.