Anger Management 101 #5 Bitterness

Anger Management 101 : #4 Arguments

So your partner hasn’t done the washing up again, and you are angry about it. Time for an argument, right?

Wrong – here are our tips for dealing with situations which make you angry, and usually lead to arguments, in more effective ways, so the chores get done, and you don’t make yourself unhappy in the process.

TIP 1 – take time out

When we get angry, every grievance under the sun can rear its ugly head. Like the trash that didn’t get taken out last Tuesday, or the lawn that didn’t get mown at the weekend. Walking away and taking time to reflect before discussing the issue at hand (it’s the washing up remember) can help both of you to calm down before the dialogue begins.

TIP 2 – chill

So you’ve walked away from a potential screaming match, but the rage is still burning inside you. What next? Do whatever it takes to get your energy down and back to normal. Talk a walk, listen to some music, and make it clear to the other person you are doing this. Say “lets talk in half an hour” rather than stomping off.

TIP 3 – choose your battles

You’ve taken time out, you’ve calmed down, now its time to come back and deal with the issue which made you angry in the first place. Now you are thinking rationally, you can address the problem, and see it more clearly for what it is. Was there a reason he didn’t get his chores done? Was it a one off? Or do you need a discussion about who’s doing which tasks around the place and when.

Dealing with your emotions as separate and distinct from the subject matter of your argument sets the stage for resolution, and leads to more productive discussions about things which are bothering you.

Anger Management 101: #3 Exasperated

Do you just have too much to do and not enough time to do it? Are you overwhelmed by the endless list of task which greet you when you wake up in the morning? Have you already tried all the tips and hints out there but nothing seems to work?

In a recent article for The New York Time Magazine, Psychologist Adam Grant takes an unconventional approach, suggesting you can find the motivation to deal with a mountain of tasks by considering the positive impact completing those tasks will have on others. This shifts your focus from your own self interest, to helping others.

For example. faced with 99 emails in your inbox, don't think about answering 99 emails - reply to the first, and consider how it has helped the person you have replied to. Then move on to the next, and the next one after. After each email has been sent, consider the positive contribution you have made to that person's day.

Whether it's a mountain of paperwork on your desk, a pile of laundry and chores to do at home, or a diary bursting with commitments you wish you had not made, why not try putting your own self interest lower down the list today, and start to see how the things you do on a daily basis help your colleagues, family and others around you?

Anger Management 101: #2 Frustration

Frustration can be very difficult to handle because of the feelings of uselessness that often accompany it. For example, you have a child that just won’t listen to you, or do what he or she is told. Frustration can arise because others are not listening to our point of view, or taking account of our feelings, and we feel we just can’t get our point across.

SOLUTION? –Rethink. Try to use the anger and frustration you are feeling in positive ways. One positive aspect of anger is the fact it alerts others to the fact we are agitated about something and that it is important to listen to us. For example “Don’t cross the street without holding Mummy’s hand” can be said angrily to a small child to reinforce road safety messages. Be assertive in letting the other person know you were not happy with their actions. In the short term, children and others are more likely to comply with our requests when we are forceful.

Anger Management 101: #1 - Annoyed

The anger you might experience in day-to-day situations with strangers, like a driver cutting you off at an exit, or a waiter getting your lunch order wrong, can be described as annoying. On our anger scale of 1-7, annoyance is Level 1. It might be unpleasant, but its not a catastrophe. These things have happened, and they were outwith your control. You can’t control another person’s bad driving or poor service. Ask yourself ‘How important is this really? The answer is usually not very important at all.

SOLUTION? – Regroup –sometimes tackling conflict head on is not the best solution. Do you really need to use every hand signal known to man to let that driver know he cut you off? Sometimes walking away from a problem which will perpetuate your anger is the best solution. In the words of the Dalai Lama – “Sometimes silence is the best option”